Hate Me
by KeepSaying
Summary: "And it's because I love you that I need you to hate me. I need you to hate me with the same force you always protected me." They lost against Sandstorm and Jane lost herself. Is Kurt going to lose her, too? Now multi chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : Set after season 2 but with a different outcome, they never brought in Shepherd, they didn't save all those lives. They lost. Enjoy. x

 _"_ _While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight."_

 _[Hate Me – Blue October]_

 _This is Kurt Weller. I'm currently unable to take your call. Please leave your name, phone number and message and I will contact you as soon as possible. Thanks._

Jane drew in a shaky breath, staring down at the bag she had slung over her shoulder and fiddling with the cuticle on her left hand while pressing the phone to her ear with the right hand. She couldn't do this but she had to. For once she had to put his wellbeing before her own.

"Hey Kurt" she started slowly "I wanted to thank you. For everything you've ever done for me… For believing in me when I never could." Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears, the lump in her throat growing thicker with every passing minute.

"I'm sorry I could never be that person that you saw in me."

They had never taken down Sandstorm. They had never caught neither Shepherd nor Roman. So many people had died. And it was all her fault.

* * *

The silence that descended over the office was deafening. There was no movement whatsoever, no one blinked or breathed or swallowed – they were frozen in place, some with their hands clasped over their eyes, some leaning against a wall for support, some sitting and some standing but all staring at the huge screen in front of them. The screen and the technology they had put all their hopes in.

They hadn't found Shepherd's stack of nuclear material in time and they couldn't find a way to stop the satellite from transmitting its signal.

The first person who shifted broke the spell. Suddenly there was movement everywhere. Some were breaking down now, not even the wall could support them in a moment like this. Some shook their heads, telling themselves that this couldn't have happened, that there was no way that could have happened – there silent 'no's grew louder with every one that left their lips.

Then there were those who had taken all of it in and still believed there could be something done - the dreamers – Patterson belonged to those who started furiously typing on her tablet even though her vision got blurrier the more tears rolled down her eyes. And some, like Tasha, tried to pull her away from the computers and into her arms because there was nothing that could be done anymore and they knew it.

There were the leaders, like Kurt, who everyone turned to now but he didn't have a command for them, he didn't have directions to give because what way can you go when your world had lost all control. Still, he tried to look as strong and resilient and solid as he could because he knew that that was what everyone else needed him to do and he would always put them before himself.

The believers saw and understood and didn't try to negate what had just happened but they felt betrayed by the higher power they had trusted in to make the world keep turning at the end of the day – and right now it felt like it would never spin again. Everything else was spinning instead. Reade had to sink to the floor as to not start staggering and possibly falling, even though – what was the point?

And there was Jane.

She saw and understood and didn't try to negate what just happened but she didn't feel betrayed. She knew there was nothing to be done and that trying would only waste valuable energies they needed to start the buildup one day. She wasn't a leader and no one turned to her but she still forced herself to keep her head up and to not tear her eyes from the scene in front of her.

Many of them lost all hope in this moment but no one lost it like Jane. She gave up, surrendered to whatever hell she had been placed in, quit hoping and abandoned everything she had ever believed in. She abandoned herself and left her body as an empty shell.

* * *

It was all her fault and she knew that she couldn't live with that knowledge, so she didn't.

She had stopped living that day and sunken deeper and deeper inside her own mind, but not to find a place where she felt save... she only went there to torture herself more, like she deserved to.

"I have to go" she whispered into the phone "I'm doing it for you" she broke off, trying to regain enough composure to speak but the next sentence still came out as a sob "Because I can't stand the thought of hurting you more every single day."

She dropped down on the bench she had walked up to, grateful that no one was around who could've asked her any questions about her state of mind. She's had too many questions like this in the past few weeks. Even if they didn't say it directly, she could see the way they were looking at her in pity - as if she deserved any.

* * *

" _Jane_! Stop this!" she heard Kurt shout and she thought she saw him enter her peripheral vision but everything was blurring in front of her and she wasn't sure. It didn't matter anyway, she simply kept going.

Jane continued hitting the punching bag dangling from the ceiling of the gym until two strong arms encircled hers, effectively keeping her from striking out at him, and pulled her back from her workout. Her eyes closed slowly, the room started spinning but she didn't want to drift off – sleep was even worse if it ever came.

"Jane" she heard the voice but it seemed so far away and she didn't have any strength to reach for it, it was all she could do to keep consciousness with her eyes closed. Someone pulled open her eyelids and suddenly it was so bright and she shut them again immediately.

She heard him talk to someone else – a woman? – but she couldn't follow their conversation. She felt someone touch her hands and somewhere in her brain she registered pain shooting through it but she didn't make a sound, didn't even blink. No pain could be worse than the one she had caused herself.

Suddenly she felt herself being lifted from the floor and tried to struggle out of the tight grasp that held her to someone's chest. She knew it was Kurt – it was always Kurt who carried her out of the gym these days – but she didn't want him to, so she tried fidgeting until he would have to let go – he never had let go of her, yet, and today was no exception. At some point she lost her strength and felt him pull her even closer to him. She drifted off.

When Jane woke again, she opened her eyes in reflex staring at the brightly lit ceiling unblinking, moving her head slightly to look at her bedside. Kurt and Patterson where kneeling next to the bed, bandaging her hand.

Kurt realized she was awake first but never let go of her hand "Your hand was bleeding" he explained needlessly, just to have something to say, "You didn't wear any gloves." It was a statement and an accusation.

"You always fight bare-knuckled in real life." was all she said to that. They'd had that argument almost every day, it was part of their daily routine.

"Okay, you're all done" Patterson said, raising from the ground, moving her hand to Jane's head to feel for her temperature and when she wasn't immediately worried about it she tucked a strand of the black hair behind her ear carefully. The blonde had tears in her eyes but Jane returned the look unblinking. "You have to look out for yourself" her voice quivered and Jane simply nodded because she had tried arguing and it got her nowhere.

"I'll leave you two to it" Patterson said after another moment turning around and placing a tray with foods and drinks on her nightstand before she left.

They were quiet after she had shut the door, Jane was staring up at the ceiling and Kurt was staring at her.

"You promised" he whispered hoarsely when he couldn't stand the silence anymore but she shook her head.

"I'm never going to promise anything anymore that I won't be able to keep. I never promised you this because there is no way I can keep it" she explained as softly as she could for his benefit. She had told him this for as long as she could remember and still he didn't seem to understand. He didn't reply to that, instead he reached out for the bottle of water on the tray Patterson had brought and unscrewed the lit.

"You need to drink something" he said holding the water bottle in front of her but she simply pressed her lips together, closing her eyes. "Jane" she heard him again, more forcefully and felt the mattress shift when he sat down next to her. Like always he put the bottle back on the nightstand and lifted her head and upper body up until she was leaning against him in a sitting position.

"Drink" he said again, a soft demand and she opened her dry mouth to let him trickle a few drops of the liquid in her mouth. She swallowed and they repeated that process four times until she wouldn't open her mouth for him anymore and he let it go for now. "We brought you a yoghurt."

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, but I don't care. You're going to eat it" he replied, pushing the yoghurt pot into her bandaged hand and the small spoon in the other. "You need your strength if we want to get justice. If we want to find Shepherd and Roman."

She stared at him as she took the first spoonful yoghurt into her mouth and swallowed "We haven't found them yet. Not even a trace" she said quietly, her voice feeling a little less hoarse after the water "We're not going to find her and even if we did" she looked him square in the eyes "It wouldn't change anything. There's no making this right."

She knew he remembered those words and she could only imagine how it must hurt to have them thrown back at him but she couldn't be bothered to think about that, it was the truth after all, and the truth usually hurt – she had learned that the hard way.

"We will get revenge" he whispered, watching her eat the yoghurt intently.

"But what's the point?"

"The point is" he replied angrily when she had put down the food, having eaten only half of it "That you're not you anymore. I'm going to find them and we're going to make them pay for everything they've done – for everyone they killed" she saw tears spring to his eyes "Including you."

If she'd had more strength she would have pushed herself up from the bed, away from him and would've glared at him. As it was she could only shake her head and raise her voice to more than a mutter "Don't you see? This is all my fault! I don't deserve to live!"

* * *

Jane had her left hand clenched into a fist and was clawing her fingernails in her flesh. She watched the blood leave a few parts of her skin, how it got white and lifeless and cold – just like she felt. There were scars marring every inch of her body and she was glad that right now she could only see the ones on her lower arm and hand.

She hated them and she hated her body and she hated herself. But she had to hate herself elsewhere because as it was she was only hurting more people.

"I want you to smile again" she whispered into the phone, unclenching and clenching her fist again "I want you to look forward in life and not spend all of your time waiting for my next break down."

They came as infrequently as they were varying and kept him from doing his job or getting a good night's sleep most days.

"I want you to have hope again and there is no way you would ever have any if I'd stayed. You deserve happiness and love and someone whole. And I am broken beyond repair. It's not your job to go down that same road, I don't want that for you."

She never wanted to see him cry again. She never wanted to see him cry again because he couldn't help her and because he felt like should've done something differently. He shouldn't have to blame himself but as long as she stayed, he always would.

* * *

 _Her throat felt tight, she couldn't swallow the spit accumulating in her mouth and she couldn't get the air down that her lungs were so desperately screaming for. She couldn't move. It felt like she had been strapped to some sort of desk, with her arms and legs tied to either side of her with no hope of getting out._

 _There was slight somewhere and she wanted to open her eyes to see where she was but for some reason she couldn't move her eye lids, they were too heavy. Her head had been secured as well and she couldn't turn it._

 _The only sensory perception she had left was smelling. She tried to take in the scent around her to find out where she was being held but before her brain could process the new impressions, she heard something and her attention flew to the noise at once. A door had been opened and someone had stepped in._

 _Again she tried opening her eyes and to her surprise they flew open at once. She wished she could just unsee what she had seen then._

 _"_ _Welcome back, Remi" her mother smiled at her, Roman standing behind her, simply staring at her._

 _"_ _My name is Jane" she managed to cough out, her throat feeling like it was on fire and her lungs still not able to fill with air but for some reason she still wouldn't die._

 _"_ _Right" Keaton stepped into her sight all of the sudden and grinned at her, the same grin that he had always sported, and he had his favorite knife with him. The knife that had already left three bigger scars on her stomach that would never truly heal. "That was the name she always gave me. So she's still hung up on that."_

 _"_ _She told me that she was Taylor."_

 _"_ _Kurt." She choked out his name, trying to reach for him but his gaze was icy and he wouldn't take another step towards her._

 _"_ _See, Remi" Shepherd smiled at her coolly "You don't just go around, choosing who you want to be now just because you feel like it."_

 _"_ _I'm Jane!" she cried out again, looking at Kurt, begging him with her eyes "Kurt, you know who I am. You know me."_

 _He shook his head and Keaton started laughing. Her head shot to the other man who was eyeing her in amusement "But you remember being Remi, don't you?" he asked, coming closer, whetting his knife in the process "Don't you think if you remember her… maybe you are her?"_

 _"_ _I've changed" she whispered, trying to close her eyes but this time they wouldn't close just as they wouldn't open earlier._

 _"_ _People don't change" Roman said with an evil grin "I've tried and it just doesn't work. You are never going to be anyone else but Remi, a monster who destroys every life she enters."_

 _"_ _All those people who died?" Kurt still wasn't stepping closer "They're on you. It's all your fault."_

 _"_ _Please" she begged, tears running down her face "Please don't hurt me."_

 _Keaton was right next to her now "Oh, don't fear, darling. He'll just stand there and watch. We on the other hand…" he exchanged a gleeful look with Shepherd and Roman that made her stomach turn "We are going to be a little more active."_

 _With that he raised the knife and drove it across her arm._

 _She screamed out in pain._

It was her own scream that woke her up and she felt her heart beat uncontrollably in her chest. Breathing heavily she tried to come back to reality, to take in her surroundings and when she did she felt and arm holding her in place, pressing her arms to either side of her body – just like she had been strapped to the table in her dream.

Only this time she knew he was doing it to keep her from lashing out in her sleep and hurting herself, or him, even though she doubted he had much concern for his own wellbeing. She tried turning around in his arms and after a while he loosened his grip on her just a little and she could look at him.

He looked tired and tormented, even in his sleep. She traced the stubble that was slowly becoming a beard because he didn't cut it as regularly anymore and when she did she saw his tear stained cheek. Trying to wipe it away with her finger she could feel that it was still damp, just like the shoulder of her shirt, as she realized now that he must have cried silently.

She felt him stir awake slowly and tried to sooth him bed to sleep but that hadn't worked anymore for a long time. He was always on alert around her and probably even when she wasn't around him because he still worried about her. He always worried.

"You okay?" he mumbled, still half asleep, tightening his grip around her.

"Yeah" she replied hoarsely, feeling better talking when they couldn't see each other in the dark "Let's go back to sleep."

"I love you" he whispered before letting his eyes close again and she felt tears in her eyes when she buried her head in his chest in the hope of going back to sleep as well.

He always told her that he loved her. Every single day, at least four times. When they woke up, when they got to work, when they went to bed and when she woke up in the middle of the night. She had never said the words back even though they would be true and he needed to hear them. But she couldn't bind him to herself when there was not enough left of her to bind himself to – he would do it because he was stubborn and he loved her.

* * *

She took one last breath "I love you" she said, the steadiest sentence she had brought out today "And it's because I love you that I need you to hate me. I need you to hate me with the same force you always protected me. You have to hate me for everything you deserve that I could never give you."

She was crying when she said the last sentence "I will leave and you have to move on. Thank you. Goodbye, Kurt."

 _Beep. Your message has been saved._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : Sooo... I'm kind of going to try to turn this into a multi fic but I cannot promise anything. Also, this is mostly going to focus on Jane's and Weller's emotional world and how their relationship may or may not break with this new situation. I'm not as good with all the mystery solving, but I'll try my best. So, now enjoy a little Kurt- hurt (haha). x

* * *

 _"_ _Hey Kurt. I wanted to thank you. For everything you've ever done for me… For believing in me when I never could. I'm sorry I could never be that person that you saw in me._

 _I have to go. I'm doing it for you … because I can't stand the thought of hurting you more every single day. I want you to smile again. I want you to look forward in life and not spend all of your time waiting for my next break down. I want you to have hope again and there is no way you would ever have any if I'd stayed. You deserve happiness and love and someone whole. And I am broken beyond repair. It's not your job to go down that same road, I don't want that for you._

 _I love you. And it's because I love you that I need you to hate me. I need you to hate me with the same force you always protected me. You have to hate me for everything you deserve that I could never give you. I will leave and you have to move on. Thank you. Goodbye, Kurt."_

Kurt was gripping the phone in his hands so tight that he would've been afraid of crushing it if he had cared enough. But he didn't. Not now. Right now fear was gripping his heart, threatening to suffocate him and he couldn't care less for the fate of some standard issue government phone.

He listened to the message two more times, sinking down to the floor in the hallway in his apartment, wondering where it had all gone so terribly wrong. Not that they had a particularly easy time at the moment but still… he hadn't expected this. Even though he should've had.

They had set a lunch day – like they did every day – but when he had finally come out of his meeting, she had been nowhere to be found.

* * *

Letting out a deep exhausted sigh, Kurt loosened the knot of his tie and closed his eyes briefly, running his hand through over his face in an attempt to not look so tired anymore – he guessed it wasn't working but really, no one in the office knew him to look anything else but tired, so what's the hazard.

It had been yet another meeting of every important person of seemingly every important government agency and it had dragged on forever, with not even as much as a 5 minute water break, and it had – surprise – led nowhere. Just like every other meeting they had held for the past couple weeks. They still didn't know what other plans Shepherd had – _if_ she had other plans after that huge attack – or how they would ever be able to clear up the horrible tragedy that had already happened.

Inside the office it still felt relatively normal but if you turned on any one news channel, it all came back in less than a second. They didn't have a current government. Could they go ahead and put the people into position that Shepherd had chosen for them? Could they _not_ , when they were probably the best in their fields? They were still running in circles and he didn't even know where to start and still they kept going.

Everyone in his office – who was still alive – had come back the day after the disaster and the day after that and every day since. None of them had given up, they were all working together to find a way to make some of this work again even when the world had quite literally stopped spinning for them. He was proud of his people.

And then there was Jane.

As much as he was proud of everyone – her as well, because she had given all she had in the fight against Sandstorm – his worry for her exceed almost every other emotion he felt. She had given her everything but he was afraid that she didn't have enough of herself left to keep up the fight.

Feeling a little lighter now that he wouldn't have to spend more time with the people in high places, he took out his phone, dialing Jane's number when he didn't find a message from her and started walking down the hallway towards the more crowded areas where he suspected his team was working. When the call went straight to mailbox he could already feel the well-known knot in his stomach return like it always did when something didn't go according to plan.

 _Relax_ , he told himself, _she's probably working and Patterson brought her some lunch. She's fine._

Nevertheless, he stepped his pace up a notch and before he knew it he was practically racing towards SIOC. Immediately his gaze fell onto the empty workplace that Jane usually occupied and he was having a harder time controlling himself with every passing minute. He turned around slowly, heading to his office to check for her there.

She occupied the couch in there fairly frequently and it would always give his mind some peace to know her to be safe and in close proximity when he was working on his papers. He had even gotten her a very own cozy blanket and she had brought one of the pillows from their couch at home that she loved so much. A lot of times this piece of furniture had seemed to him like her sanctuary but not today. Now she was nowhere near his office.

Kurt felt his heartrate pick up and as fast as he could he exited his office and ran to Patterson's office. The blonde was the only other person Jane felt comfortable around… she would be there. She had to be.

But when he got there, only Patterson was standing in front of her computer, frowning at the screen and about three other people were going about their business in the background. His friend looked up when she heard him approach and like always, she had a small smile on her lips when she greeted him but it died on her face when she saw his expression.

"Jane?" she whispered tremulously.

"Is she here? Please tell me she's here" he gave back just as quietly but seeing her shake her head, his hopes died rather fast. They exchanged one look and without a word they both ran to the gym – Patterson being a little behind and both were praying that she would be there and that she hadn't done too much harm.

The gym was deserted.

As was the locker room.

As was the break room.

As was every single room on their level.

"Where is she?" Kurt wanted to yell but his voice came out in a whisper. His stomach was revolting, he felt the bile rise to his throat and his heart was beating so fast and loud that he wasn't sure how long it would be able to keep it up. "I'm going to go home. Maybe she already left. Can you-" He didn't know what he wanted to tell her, he didn't have a task for her but she understood him anyway.

"I will, Kurt" she replied just as quietly "Go home. Stay safe. Good luck… and call me." He nodded and left, weak at the knees.

Kurt drove home, disregarding every single tempo limit on his way and he still didn't feel like he was going fast enough, his thoughts were racing – going back and forth between expecting the worst and hoping for the best, trying to calm himself down. It was all for nothing.

When he stepped inside his apartment – _their_ apartment – he felt the emptiness all around him even though he couldn't pinpoint it at first. He searched the rooms and only then did he realize what was missing – her stuff. Not all of it, though she didn't have much to begin with, only a few t-shirts, a jeans, her toothbrush…

That was when he succumbed to the sobs that had been threatening to overwhelm him since he had set foot into the apartment.

She was _gone_.

The thought still hadn't fully registered and he had to grab a wall to steady himself. How could she have left him? Where did she go? Did she-? He couldn't even fathom what he would do if she had hurt herself… if she had – No. He would not go there. He would go out there and he would call Patterson and he would find her.

Just then his mobile phone rang and he wiped away the tears quickly – maybe this was Jane? But it wasn't even his personal phone, it was the one he carried around with him for work purpose only. He took in the number – it was Director Hirst – but he ignored the call. He felt the weight of Jane's absence on his chest once more and he couldn't breathe.

Kurt still held the phone in his hand, holding on to it because he didn't know what else to hold on to, when the call ended and he was left staring at his lock- screen. Two missed calls. One voice message. From Jane.

With trembling hands he swiped to the right and pressed play.

* * *

He had always thought he had endured enough loss in his life to know what he was talking about when he said the word ' _pain'_ , now, however, he felt like all these years he had lived in blissful ignorance and that the last veil to the true meaning of the word had now been lifted.

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't cry. He couldn't stand. He couldn't form a coherent thought. He was basically a life-size doll with a heartbeat and right now the only thing he wanted to do was rip that stupid heart of his out of his chest because _maybe_ then the pain would stop.

 _She loved him._

 _She left._

Those were the only words that had gotten through to him. She loved him. She left. _Shelovehimsheleftshelovedhimsheleftshelovedhim-_

Kurt didn't know where he found the self- control he needed to unlock his phone again – his personal one because he was still staring at the voice message on the other one – and dial Patterson's number, but he did. Somehow the blonde had sensed what was going on before he said a word and he could hear her sobs through the tinny speaker of his phone.

In some way that was all it took for him to stop. He had always been stronger for the people around him than for himself. He told Patterson what to do and that he would be over as soon as possible and he silently promised Jane that he would find her. He wouldn't lose her. He wouldn't let her leave him.

 _She loved him._

* * *

It had been almost 6pm when he had gotten back to the office and it was 10:30pm now and they still hadn't found her anywhere in New York City. Except for one image that Patterson had been able to dig up fairly quickly. It had been taken by one of the CCTV cameras somewhere in a mile radius from their apartment.

Patterson had put the sequence on the biggest screen in the lab and the four of them – Reade and Tasha were with them – had stared at the scene in front of them that, without any sound, told the story of a broken soul. She was clutching the phone to her ear and at one point dropped down on a near-by bench, looking as if she had no energy left even to stand.

By then he knew the message she had left him by heart and he could see her shoulders shaking at the parts where he had heard her sob over the phone and it was then that his heart broke even more for her. That strong woman who had lost herself and wouldn't let him help her find her.

When she had left the range of that camera, however, they had lost her completely and since then neither Zapata nor Patterson had been able to come up with another glimpse of her. Of course, they shouldn't be surprised – if anyone knew how to avoid cameras when she didn't want to be found – it was Jane.

Reade was going through possible escape routes and was sketching different ways she could've taken to avoid the cameras while the women were checking the video feeds and Kurt? He was pacing, he didn't know what to do or where to go. He felt so useless and on edge he was barely holding it together. So lost in his thoughts he didn't even hear Patterson talk to him at first.

"Kurt?"

"Huh" he raised his head staring at the blonde woman who had yelled at him in bewilderment.

"Thank god, you're still alive" she shot him a relieved look but he ignored it altogether.

"Did you find something?" he wanted to know instead, craning his head to look at the monitors she was working on but she shook her head.

"We haven't found anything else yet" she didn't say it but he could see in her eyes that she was losing hope. He ignored it. They would find her. He would get Jane back. _She loved him_ it was the last straw he was clutching to but it managed to keep him over water for now.

"Kurt?" Patterson's voice pulled him back again and he felt Reade's and Zapata's eyes on him too "Go home for the day. There's nothing you can do from here."

He glared at all of them then, feeling the anger rise in his stomach, feeling it tear down the knot he had carried around there "I'm not going to give up on her" he said calmly. It was the sort of calm that proverbially was followed by a storm. Watching Patterson closely he remained rigid when she put down her tablet slowly and took a step towards him, as if approaching a wild animal.

"And I'm not saying you should" he heard her say to him, taking his hand in hers that, he hadn't realized until now, was shaking "But you need to clear your head if you want to be able to help her."

He was losing himself in her eyes and her soft voice but it only took Tasha to utter a few words to render any progress the other woman had made void.

"As if his head has ever been clear whenever it concerns Jane."

Silence.

Reade and Patterson stared at her in disbelieve but her eyes were fixed solely on her boss. "You know it's true" she said "Nothing about Jane Doe has ever been clear in your head" the Latina took a step forward, returning his glare with one of her own.

"She left you to keep you from going down that road again and maybe – maybe it was the best thing she ever did to you. She set you free but you need to let yourself be free."

"You" he spit out, his whole form solid and stern and uncompromising "You have no _idea_ what you're talking about! She would have died for you – for any of you and for everyone else. If she could've saved this damned world by sacrificing herself – don't you think she would've done it? Do you have any idea what is going on in her head right now?"

"And do you?" she gave back as fiercely "Has she talked to you at all about her feelings or is she the same zombie- like person at home that she is at work? Have you ever thought that _maybe_ she's beyond saving? Because at least _she_ knows that it's her _family_ who did this to all of us!"

He drew in a deep breath, drawing himself up to full height "What happened there is not. Her. Fault." He wanted to say something else but all of the sudden Patterson was standing between them, looking into his eyes.

"That's not what Tasha meant" she said slowly, throwing her friend a hard looked who at least had the decency to look rueful "We know it's not her fault."

"But she doesn't" was all he could say, quietly "She blames herself for every single person who has died" his eyes found Zapata's and through the tears that blurred his vision he could see she was fighting her own emotions as well "And I can't get through to her because she's so damn stubborn" he choked out a laugh and with that the first tear ran down his cheek.

"She is so set in her ways and I would've thought she would want revenge but somehow-" he swallowed back a sob and the Latina stepped forward reaching out for him "I don't know if she knows that there's still something left to fight for. I don't know if she's got anything left" he let himself crumble in Tasha's embrace.

"I know I've never had a clear head whenever Jane was concerned" he whispered "But she would've done anything for any of us and I'm scared she's too lost to see that she's not alone in this world. We're her family, right?"

Kurt felt Tasha shake with sobs in his arms but she nodded and slowly Patterson joined the embrace and even Reade who mumbled "We're all family. We'll find her. Everything will be okay."

It was then that his phone rang again and he jerking at the loud sound he pulled away from his friends and, with tear stained cheeks, got out his phone. It was an unknown number and the sinking feeling he had when he first saw it, only intensified when he listened to the person on the other end of the line.

"Yeah. I'm her emergency contact" he choked out "I'll be right there."

 **A/N** : Thoughts on Tasha?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** : A special shout-out to my two reviewers, this one's for you because it wouldn't be without you. :) Enjoy x

The drive to the hospital took Kurt 19 minutes and 34 seconds instead of the usual half hour you spent in traffic in New York City. Part of it was certainly due to the low traffic in the middle of the night but the rest of the time was made good by his driving style – he might have hit a few red lights along the way and still he couldn't bring himself to care.

His mind was racing with all the possible scenarios he could be driving towards to and if he hadn't been sitting he would've been reeling, a lightness having taken over his body since the call. The nurse hadn't said anything except for ' _There's a Jane Doe here. You're the emergency contact…? A lot of tattoos and short hair?_ '

Of course she would have had to give a description of Jane… she wasn't the only Jane Doe on the planet – although the others probably weren't running around a lot – but he felt like that couldn't be farther from the truth. How could such an extraordinary woman have such an ordinary name?

He was running around in circles and he knew it but he needed something to keep him occupied while he was driving. Behind him he could see and hear the siren of the car Tasha, Read and Zapata had taken to follow him when they hadn't been fast enough for him to get into the parking lot.

Pulling up in a vacant parking slot he had his seatbelt unbuckled and the door open before he had put his car in _Parking_ and jumped out of it the second he pulled the key out. With big steps he reached the entrance in minimal time and was already asking around for the ER, glad when a nurse pointed him in the right direction without him having to stand in line.

Kurt raced down the hallways of the hospital, bumping into other people ever so often, until he finally reached the huge area of waiting seats that identified the room as the ER. Hustling through the corridor he finally came to the info point.

"My name is Kurt Weller. Someone called me for Jane Doe who has been admitted here. I'm her emergency contact" he rattled off glancing everywhere but at the nurse who just stared at him wide-eyed, trying to get a glimpse of Jane.

"Mr. Weller?"

Another nurse quipped in and his head shot up at the small blonde woman in front of him "I'm Nurse Sarah, I'm currently looking after Ms. Doe and I called you earlier. I need-"

He cut her off "Where is she? I need to see her."

"Mr. Weller" the nurse gave him a stern look "Ms. Doe is currently sleeping and I would like to take the time to-"

"I _need_ to see her" he repeated through gritted teeth, barely holding on to his self- restraint. The nurse didn't look like she wanted to move from her point though, so he felt his shoulders slump "Please" he whispered instead "I'm not going to wake her I just… I need to see she's okay with my own eyes."

That got him through to her and he almost groaned in relief when she took a step back, motioning him to follow her and lead him through the ward, past other rooms and other patients until they finally reached her room and he could make out her tiny form beneath the huge bedsheets and he wanted to cry. She looked so beaten, so broken and pale, but she was here and she was breathing and that was all he had needed to know just then.

The sight of her made some of his anxiety leave his body and finally, since the moment where couldn't find her, breathing became easier. He leaned against the doorframe, watching her another few moments before he turned towards the nurse.

"How bad is it?" he wanted to know in a whisper, his voice raw with all the emotions that were playing through his mind.

Nurse Sarah raised an eyebrow at him but he barely registered it, waiting for her words, already dreading them.

"Well" she began, reaching behind him to grab a clipboard from the side of the door "It's not good. We're almost certain she has been on drugs when she came in here and we already took a blood sample but haven't gotten the results back, yet" she looked up at him "They should be here within the next hour, though, so if you want to wait-"

"I'll be here."

"Okay" she looked down on the board again, clearing her throat "There have been a few minor fresh wounds and bruises, nothing life- threatening but we have taken care of them. What worried us was how light she was for her height, she's critically close to malnutrition and we've found the first signs of dehydration as well. We've put her to an infusion to fill up her fluid balance."

Again she looked up at him, seeming to gauge his reaction "Are you her boyfriend? Or supervisor?" she asked with a glance to the badge hanging around his neck.

He stared back at her "What does that have to do with anything?"

"We think she might be a victim of domestic violence so if you-"

"So you think that what?" involuntarily he raised his voice in rage "That I go around slapping the woman I love?!" Kurt was breathing heavily and again his gaze wandered over to the Jane's sleeping form and not wanting to disturb her was the only thing that kept him from falling apart right then and there.

"She is not a victim of domestic violence" he said finally, calmer "She has been going through a rough patch the last view weeks and she doesn't eat or drink enough but we try to get her to at least get something in her stomach. As much as she can manage" he added "We forced her to eat more once and she just threw it all up again. Also" he dropped his gaze to the floor "She's been over-exercising without appropriate equipment… but she's not a victim of domestic violence."

The nurse took all of that in, nodding slowly "And you're absolutely certain that she's not going home to someone who might have put her in that state of mind?"

"She's going home with me. So, no."

"Oh. Okay" Nurse Sarah frowned up at him "With all the self- destructive behavior, have you ever known her to use drugs before?"

Kurt shook his head, grapping the door frame for support and choked out a weak "No. Never."

"Do you want me to call for psychological council for her?" she asked, worry evident in her expression but again he shook his head.

"I will get her to talk to someone" he promised "But there's too much classified information for any other psychologist. Thank you, though. Are there any more questions? Can I go sit with her until she wakes up?"

She watched him attentively for a bit, cocking her head to the side "I think we're all set for now. When we get the test results back I can tell you if we'll have to keep her overnight. You can sit with her as long as you stay quiet."

"I will" he vowed "There might be a few other friends trying to get through to her.."

"I can't allow more than one person with her for the time being" the nurse smiled apologetically "I'll tell them that, don't worry."

And with that she left and he was left staring at the woman in the hospital bed that seemed way too big for her small size. With a few strides he was standing next to her, dropping down on the chair next to the bed, grabbing her hand that seemed to be too small and cold for a human hand.

"Oh Jane" he sobbed quietly, pressing a kiss to the hand before covering it with both of his to warm it up. "What did you do? Why didn't you talk to me? How could you ever think I could hate you?" He let the tears run down his cheek freely, letting them drip onto their intertwined hands.

He didn't know how long he sat in that chair, staring up at her, waiting for her to open her eyes but he knew that when he finally did see her eyes flutter hesitantly, his whole body was sore from staying in the same position the whole time.

"Jane?" he whispered getting up and brushing his fingers over her cheek lightly. Her eyes darted around the room in confusion until they settled on him. First he saw relief in them and she leaned into his touch but in the blink of an eye her eyes widened and she tried to lean as far away from him as possible. He wouldn't let her, though.

"You shouldn't be here" she choked out and he felt tears run down her cheek, wetting his hand. "I left you a message… You shouldn't be here." Over and over and over again she mumbled those words and still, with every passing second he could feel her succumb to her sobs more and when she did she curled into a ball like she always did and let him sit down next to her, pulling her onto his chest as gently as he could.

"Shh" he breathed into her ear, stroking her hair "It's okay, it's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm always going to be here." She was shaking at that point and it was all he could do to hold onto her, to steady her when he felt so unstable himself, and tell her that it would be okay eventually.

Kurt kept stroking her hair gently and after a while he felt her grow still in his arms again. He pulled away slightly, trying to see her face but she had it buried in his chest.

"Why don't you hate me?"

If he had been just an inch further away he wouldn't have heard her question but as it was he had her in his arms and his hearing was calibrated on picking up on even the tiniest sound she made. He almost chuckled but midway in his throat it turned into a sob and he couldn't respond properly.

"Because I love you" he choked out after a second "And you love me."

 _She loved him._ He could still hear her voice on the recording. He had given it its very own place in his heart, guarding it from everything else because he wasn't sure if he'd ever hear her say it again.

"I left you" she gave back just as quietly, moving out of the tight knot she had pulled herself into and looking up at him with her big green eyes full of tears "I'm no good for you. I can't do this to you every day. I see-" she stifled a wail "I can see the way you look at me… you're always scared and worried… You can't live a life like that."

"No" he gave back fiercely " _You_ can't live a life like that. I'm not letting you."

"You're not letting me?" she almost laughed – a hollow, lifeless laugh – "On what grounds? I'm still doing my job and you're not my boyfriend."

Did that hurt? Like hell. Would that change a thing? No, it would not.

He didn't bother with a reply and instead tightened his arms around her to pull her closer. He went back to stroking her hair and he felt her relax in his arms after a short while. It told him a lot about her strength at the moment and he didn't want her to waste any of the scarce energy she had left on a fight with him. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

"Did you take drugs?" he asked quietly after another five minutes. She nodded her head yes and he felt his insides crumble.

"What did you take?" he wanted to know hoarsely.

"Coke" she whispered and again he held her firm to his chest, letting his hand move up and done her spine.

"Why?"

"Because-" He felt her body shake with coughs in his arm "Because I didn't find a reason not to" she then said and suddenly he felt her grow stiff in his arms and her voice was void of any emotion and he knew that she was slipping away again and his heart crushed in his chest and again he couldn't breathe. "You needn't have come" he heard that same voice say that didn't sound like Jane at all and he pulled away slowly, carefully to not hurt her.

"I'm here and I'm staying here." was all he replied to that and slipped out from under her and stood up from the bed only to take seat in the chair again. They had gone through this so often, he knew that when she got like that she couldn't bear anyone touching her – he had tried once and he had worn the shiner from that encounter for a week – so he let her have her space without ever actually leaving her side.

"Do you want to talk to Reade about it?" Kurt asked after they had grown silent for a while "About the… drugs? I mean he's been there and got out, so maybe…"

"Kurt" her soft yet cold voice interrupted him "Reade did coke because he had been a victim and wanted to forget… he was never actually guilty of anything, he just couldn't deal with the memories. I, on the other hand, am guilty of treason, actively cooperating in a terrorist organization, infiltrating the FBI, lying and murder and I think if we'd know all there was to know, there'd be so much more. So, I don't think he'll be able to help me. No one ever did something comparable."

"You didn't do this" he said simply "I have told you before and I'm going to tell you again until you finally get it in that thick head of yours. We're not blaming you."

"Yes, you are" she objected harshly "Or maybe not you because you love me and you can't see straight but literally everyone else does."

"Patterson-"

"Oh please" Jane scoffed "Patterson is a marshmallow. She wouldn't even know how to blame anyone she considers a friend." Pulling the blanket tight around herself she turned his back to him "There's no making this right" she said quietly "Maybe you're too much of a do-gooder to see that but that's how it is. Bad people to bad things. And I did the most awful thing."

* * *

"Can't this wait until later?"

…

"She's still sleeping but she could wake any minute. I'm not leaving her side."

…

"I've never wanted it anyway. There has to be another person for the job."

The world was slowing coming into focus and she heard Kurt's hushed voice through the noise in her head from her latest nightmare - at least this time she hadn't thrown herself around in bed, screaming. Just as she was deciding whether or not to alert him to her presence he proved once more how vigilant he always was concerning her.

"I gotta go. I'll call you later."

Ending the call he shot her a small smile and returned from where he had been standing at the other end of the room – undoubtedly as to not disturb her - and resumed his place at her bedside. There was silence for a bit in which he watched her intently and she stared up at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?" She shrugged.

"They decided to keep you here for the night but I told them not to wake you. So they moved you into another ward while you were sleeping, I helped them. A doctor is supposed to check on you in a while, he was already here at around 6 but you were still asleep."

Jane looked out of the window then, frowning in confusion when she saw the sun already pretty high in the sky. "What time is it?"

Kurt checked the phone he was still holding in his hand "It's 8:36am. You slept for about 4 and a half hours – new best- time for you" he threw her a small grin and she couldn't help but shoot him a soft look. She had never deserved him less.

"The nurses said it's probably because the exhaustion finally caught up with you and with everything going on it's probably the best for you to rest whenever your body lets you" he continued.

"With everything going on?" she wanted to know, panic resonating in her voice "You told her?"

"What?" he frowned at her in confusion before the content of her question fully registered "No! No, I didn't tell her anything that would have been… classified."

 _Marked her as the traitor she was_ , she added silently.

"I just told her you've been going through a rough patch. They" he cleared his throat "They suggested that you should talk to a psychologist about it…" he trailed off already seeing her shaking his head.

"I'm not going to talk to some stranger, I did that once, didn't turn out that great" she repeated the same answer she had given him every time he proposed the idea.

"Then talk to someone else. Me, Patterson, anyone" he was pretty much pleading now, grabbing her hand in his gently – taking care of the not yet healed bruises "Or you could draw or write – something!"

She looked down at her small tattooed hand in his and once again she was surprised at how gently and cautiously hot-headed Kurt Weller could be. Just a few weeks ago she hadn't thought it was possible for him to stay even remotely calm when he was angry. But he could – for her.

Xxxx

 _Slowly she felt her senses return to her. Blinking a few times Jane found herself staring up at the ceiling but she didn't know where she was, she didn't remember this room. Where was she? Before she could give it a conscious thought her body had an automatic response at the ready, trying to scramble to the other side of the bed but failing._

 _That told her two things. A, she was currently lying on a bed and B, her arms were strapped to the bed frame, keeping her from moving. Had she gone to hell? Her mind was still reeling and the ceiling was spinning in front of her. Nonetheless, she tried moving her head to the side – confirming that it was not tied up and ignoring the pain in her head her eyes fell on Kurt who was standing at the other end of the room, staring at her but not seeing her._

 _She wanted to say something to make herself be noticed but all that came out was a cough. His eyes flew to hers at once, though, and he took a step towards her, releasing her of the soft textile chains around her wrists._

 _"_ _What happened?" she finally managed to choke out, following his gaze that was fixated to a spot on her upper arm. Silently he reached out his hands and she felt his fingers touch the spot softly. She winced involuntarily but she didn't see the hurt that crossed his face at her reaction, instead she craned her neck to follow his gaze._

 _"_ _I hurt you" she heard him whisper and then she saw the big bruise that was decorating her bicep. "I am so sorry. I never-"_

 _That's when she remembered._

 ** _Jab. Cross. Hook. Uppercut._**

 _Punch after punch after punch she threw at the punching bag in front of her, alternating between imagining Shepherd's face, Roman's and her own. For the first time that day she felt something else except for the void that had taken over her chest. She could barely breathe for the most time, feeling as if she was going to throw up any second – but here, in the deserted gym she could get some of it out._

 _She could feel again._

 _When it had all gone done she had wished, prayed, to shut of her emotions, to not feel the devastation and guilt and pain and heartbreak but now? Now she was glad if she could feel anything at all… everything was gone, except for the guilt that followed her everywhere. It had become her constant silent companion and the only way to get her mind off of it was feeling something else._

 _Pain._

 _That was her go-to emotion, the sole sensation that could keep the guilt and grief at bay. Physically over-exerting her body was good. She could tell everyone she was only exercising – everyone would get a rough workout in some time._

 _Punch._

 _She barely registered her knuckles splitting open, she was too focused on the faces in her own mind. The gloves lying forgotten in the corner next to her towel, it hadn't seemed like a priority to put them on. Not when her real goal was to feel something._

 _"_ _Jane!" She barely heard the voice screaming her name over the loud whirring noise in her head, she continued throwing punches – feeling light-headed – at the punching bag until she felt someone grab her arm and whirl her around so she came to face with Kurt. He looked so weird through the red mist that was clouding her view._

 _And he was fuming._

 _"_ _What the hell are you doing?" he demanded to know, his voice raised._

 _She laughed out loud, even in her own ears it sounded hollow "What does it look like? I'm letting off some steam. You should try it some time."_

 _He growled at her and she was only able to think about how sexy that sounded. "Letting off some steam? You're deliberately hurting yourself, Jane!" he yelled "You're not wearing any gloves! Look at your hands!"_

 _Slowly she dropped her gaze to her knuckles, watching the blood run down her hands and drip onto the floor. She smiled up at him, her eyes sparkling, high on the pain that was cursing through her body "They have always been covered in blood. How convenient that you can finally see it, too."_

 _Her head was spinning but she continued to grin at him, watching his anger get the better of him, his eyes filled with fury. Seemingly out of nowhere – or her reflexes were just really slow – he grabbed her by the harm, pulling her to him, about to say something._

 _Suddenly everything went black._

 _The next thing she remembered was lying in this bed, staring up at the ceiling with Kurt next to her. She shook her head slightly, trying to sort out her thoughts but immediately regretting that decision when everything started spinning again. "It's not your fault" she said as gently as she could._

 _"_ _It is" he whispered, caressing the bruise "I was so angry at you for hurting yourself… for not caring… and then I hurt you, too" he choked and she could sense how close to falling apart he truly was "I'm never going to hurt you again. I promise. I swear. I am so sorry."_

 _She shook her head, trying to sit up on the mattress "It's not your fault" she repeated, glad when he steadied her "Are you going to send me home now?"_

 _Kurt stared at her "No. Patterson is already on her way with the first aid kit so we can take care of your hands. Then I'm going to get you something to eat and then we'll see…"_

* * *

"Jane?" he pulled her out of her thoughts again.

"Huh?" she tried to focus on the man beside her. It wasn't all that different to what she had just remembered – he looked worried and she was out of it, maybe they were destined to run in those circles for the rest of their lives.

"I could buy you a new sketchbook or a diary… maybe that would help" Kurt repeated his suggestion, moving closer to her, caressing her cheek with his hand "You can't go on like this."

Jane shook her head forcefully "I'm fine."

"No, you're not" he objected sadly.

She silently agreed with him. "It doesn't matter" she said out loud and before he could disagree again they heard a knock on the door and a doctor came in, followed by a nurse.

"Good morning, Ms. Doe, Mr. Weller. My name is Doctor Gemp, I'm responsible for this ward. Do you think we could do a check- up to see how you are doing today?"

* * *

It hadn't taken the doctor long to check up on Jane and when he had been done, he told her to take it easy for a bit and strongly recommended seeing a psychologist but physically she was fine for the moment and could go home. Which is where she was right now.

Or at least in the place she had spent most of her time in as of lately, it wasn't really her home. It was Kurt's home and he had insisted on her staying with him for the time being, to take care of her. Her safe house had been given back to the FBI after the Sandstorm attack and for the first day she had felt safe here… now she only felt like a burden to him which had been the exact reason why she had tried to leave.

"Can I get you anything?" Kurt sat down next to where she had curled up on the couch in one of the fluffy blankets he had bought especially for her on bad nights when she would flee the bedroom as to not disturb him. Most of the time he would wake up soon after, though, and carry her back with him.

"No" she said, her head buried on the armrest "I've already eaten the sandwich you've given me and I drank some water."

He eyed the still unfinished sandwich on the plate on the coffee table and sighed "You barely ate half of it. But maybe you can eat some more of it later?" He sounded so hopeful that she didn't want to discourage him and simply shrugged.

"Yeah. Maybe later. Are you leaving?" She hated herself for sounding so needy.

"Only if that's okay for you?" he frowned at her but she nodded her head slightly "I'm not gonna be long… Director Hirst has been in a meeting earlier today and she wants to catch me up on everything I've missed, after that I'm coming straight home."

"No. It's okay. I don't want to keep you from work" Jane said, looking into his eyes as she tried to shoot him an encouraging smile. From the look on his face she figured, it wasn't a very convincing one but he didn't mention it and instead leaned forward to press a kiss to her temple.

"Promise me you won't run again?" he whispered. His voice sounded so raw, so hurt, so lost and she already felt tears in her eyes but she blinked them away and nodded.

"Say it."

"I promise."

Would he believe her? For the full minute he stared at her she didn't think he would but then he sighed and pushed himself up from the couch. "Okay, I'll see you later. I'll bring a late lunch when I get back."

When the door had closed behind him she waited silently, snuggled into the blanket. After fifteen minutes she got up carefully and folded the soft fabric, putting it pack on the couch neatly. She looked around the apartment for a long while, taking everything in, it looked so empty whenever Kurt wasn't here to fill it with life.

She let her eyes wander over the kitchen – imaging him moving around in it in professional hectic –and then settled on the pictures he had framed on the walls – it weren't a lot but the few that he had chosen told a story of a happy life with Sawyer and Sarah and the team… and herself. Sadly she caressed a recently added picture of the two of them in the red hacker-outfit… it seemed to have been in a different life time.

Looking around one last time she squared her shoulders and pulled her jacket from the wardrobe as she whispered her silent goodbye to everything she loved about this place, especially the owner.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** And chapter 4 is there :) I finally have some idea where this is gonna go & I hope you'll like it. For now enjoy this x

"Agent Weller" Director Hirst's voice welcomed him when he stepped inside her office.

It was a very tidy room with white walls and dark wooden furniture. The walls were mostly barren except for two framed diplomas that had been recently hung up in the name of Eleanor Hirst. Said woman was currently standing behind the table that was as orderly as the two bookshelves on the other side of the room and the sideboard on her left side.

The whole office was well-kept and cleaner than he remembered it being when Pellington had sat in it, it had gotten a slight womanly touch but without the gimcrackery, safe for a plan bouquet of flowers on a small table used primarily for smaller briefings.

Kurt took in the room and then took the extended hand he had been offered with a curt nod "Director Hirst." Just as he was about to take a seat on the chair in front of her table she shook her head and with a small smile walked around the table, pointing towards the other one in her office. They both took their seats.

"How is Ms. Doe doing?"

"Jane's fine" he replied shortly but felt she wanted him to elaborate so he did "The doctor cleared her and she's at home now."

Hirst nodded slightly, knowingly "I heard she wanted to leave…?"

"She did… she uhm" his mind was racing, not sure what she was getting at "She left me a message that she would leave and then-"

"The hospital called" she finished his sentence, not unfriendly. Apparently she had already done her homework. Kurt wasn't sure why she was asking the questions if not for…

"Do you want to fire her?" his eyes flew up at hers and cold certainty gripped his heart. Her shaking her head didn't do much to reassure him. "She's having a rough time… I mean her family committed one of the most terrible attacks on American soil in recent history… she's blaming herself… She needs some time and-"

"I think she should take up sessions with an FBI psychologist again."

Kurt stared at her flabbergasted "O-okay, do we already have a new psychologist?"

Director Hirst raised her eyebrows and looked almost amused "Why, yes, AD Weller. Just last week we ran a background check on him after a phenomenal interview and he signed the contract about three days ago. The contract has your signature on it as well."

"I- Uh- It does?" he stammered, cursing himself for forgetting to ask Brianna what he had signed.

"I think it's about time you fully concentrate on being the Assistant Director of the NYO again" he heard her say from far away and when he refocused on her, she looked at him patiently "I know what happened was terrible. It was terrible for everyone and I know that you and your team blame yourselves above everyone else because the Sandstorm case was your case."

"We don't" he choked out hoarsely "We already talked to Dr. Sun about it and she declared us fit for field duty. And now that we have a new FBI psychologist I'm sure he is going to say the same thing. The team is fit, a little shaken but how could they not?"

"I know, I know" she sounded almost reassuring but he already felt the _But_ coming.

"Jane Doe, however, is a different topic-"

"She's part of our team."

"And I never doubted that for one second" she shot him a look "But if you would let me continue, please. All of this has shaken her foundation like no other and I don't blame her for that, it's only natural. I don't blame her for the attack either, I believe Ms. Doe – _Jane_ – has done everything and more for this country like any FBI agent. But does _she_ know that? Does she _believe_ it?"

Kurt was a loss for words. He wanted to tell her that, yes, Jane knew that no one blamed her but he knew that she would spot the lie immediately.

Seeing that he wouldn't respond just yet, Director Hirst continued, "Right now I don't see her fit to perform field duty. I want her to take up counseling again until our psychologist can tell us with certainty that she's on the road of recovery. Her self- destructive behavior of the past few weeks would only put her and your team in unnecessary danger and I cannot permit that."

"Director Hirst" Kurt felt his hands starting to shake and he clenched them into fists to get it under control "I agree with you that she should take up counseling but I think taking her out of the familiar environment would do more harm then good-"

"Which is why" she interrupted him "She will continue being part of the FBI but she will work from the office or Agent Patterson's lab or if something comes up help with translations. We will find a way for her to stay on your team as long as she's in therapy. If things start looking up we will integrate her into field duty again but if not-" she shot him a stern look "We will only put her back in the field if she comes to terms with what happens."

"Yes, yes of course" he felt lightheaded at the possibility of Jane not getting better but he _knew_ she would. She had to. _She loved him_. That had to count for something.

For a long moment Director Hirst simply watched him intently, giving him time to take everything in and he was thankful for it. He was still reeling from the new information but he was also hopeful that, eventually, there would be a light at the end of this long dark tunnel. He just hoped it wouldn't turn out to be another train crash.

"Okay" she finally said and he returned his attention back to her, leaning back in his chair when he felt the atmosphere and topic change. "This morning there has been a meeting of some government agencies and also COGs. Since you couldn't attend due to… personal reasons" she gave him a knowing look but he didn't comment on it "I'm going to update you now."

"The new president attended the meeting-" she began and he frowned at her "It's official now?"

"Yes. Former president pro temprore of the Senate Senator Samuel Pierce had been declared designated survivor and sent to Dallas, Texas before the government came together in D.C. to discuss the latest terrorist attacks when they themselves became victims of the even bigger attack. Since 1971 the designated survivor is appointed when all potential successors of the president come together in one place but since then, we have never needed him until now. That's why it all took a while to get officiated" she paused, letting it sink in.

"It is official now and the Secret Service – or what's left of it – is currently guarding President Pierce at all times. It will take a while for the rest of the government to be newly elected and it's still not certain whether or not there will be early elections but that's where we currently stand. President Pierce has taken part in the latest meeting and all government agencies have updated him on the current state of their agencies."

"Have there been any bigger personnel changes?" Kurt wanted to know.

"Yes" she nodded "Some agencies have put some of Shepherd's designated COGs into position after they ran every background check and lie- detector- test on them known to mankind and people like Jake Keaton who passed both are now Director of the CIA and all sorts."

He didn't know what to make out of this new development. Jake Keaton had tortured Jane and he doubted he could ever get over that but at the same time… he had truly believe Keaton when he had said he only wanted the best for their country and he was almost certain that he couldn't be corrupted. So was it a good choice?

"Has anyone found a link between the COGs?" he asked the question that had been burning on his tongues since they had found out "In one way or another Jane's tattoos and our investigations brought those people into the positions Shepherd wanted them in. Did she want them there because she honestly believed they would do well for our country or is there something else that we missed?"

"The NSA, CIA, FBI, DIA, INR and every other national intelligence is currently working on that with most of their resources but as of today, no one has found anything on any of the COGs. They're questioning and checking everyone, though, and at least one of them had definite links to Sandstorm but there hasn't been anything but a few payments over the year and he has disappeared."

Kurt nodded. He had gone through the questioning as one of the first people and he had tried to keep in touch with at least some others who had to go through the same thing. Could he even be sure that he himself hadn't been corrupted? When Ellen Briggs had paid for his training?

"So, some of the COGs are now in office" he recapped aloud.

"Affirmative" she replied "And some aren't… if you take yourself for example. The agencies are allowed to put them into office – after the background checks – as they please, mostly. Also" she continued then "they're going to build a new monument for the victims of all attacks… as if that is going to bring any of those people back."

The last sentence had been so quietly muttered, almost to herself, that Kurt almost didn't hear it. He agreed with it, though, but he also knew that those victims had to be remembered and they had to keep the spirits of the rest of the people up and a monument had always seemed to be a good place for people to grieve at.

Clearing her throat Director Hirst caught his attention again "Shephard has been declared enemy of the State and the president personally wants to meet with you and your team. He wants access to all files concerning the Jane Doe/ Sandstorm case."

Kurt nodded "Of course, he can have any file and information he wants. Is he going to come to the NYO or are we going to D.C.?"

"President Pierce has agreed with me that it would be a lot easier for him to come her than for us to move the files and everyone on the team to Washington. He will visit the NYO in two days, so you better clear your schedule for Thursday."

"I will. Will that be all?" Kurt had already put both hands on the chair's armrest to push himself up, preparing to leave.

"One more thing" she said then "He is going to want to speak to Ms. Doe as well."

He froze mid-motion "He can't. You said yourself that she's not in the best state of mind and-"

"I know. But this is a matter of national security and I don't think the president will take no for an answer… I just thought you should know that, and she should get the heads up, as well. To prepare for it, mentally."

"I guess" Kurt sighed in defeat "Thank you, Director Hirst."

"You're very much welcome, AD Weller. You can go now."

Glad to finally be released he shook her hand once more and turned, walking to the door with his mind spinning with all the information he had just gotten. Maybe he would stop by his office to take a few things home with him. Laptop, a few files… Yes, he would do that before he would pick up some take-away from Jane's favorite Indian place.

"Weller?"

He turned his head back to Director Hirst who was standing now, as well "Yes, ma'am?"

"I believe Ms. Doe is at your house at the moment. How can you trust her not to run again?"

He smiled a sad small smile "I don't." And with that he pushed the door open and left his superior's office.

* * *

"Jane!"

The woman had just pulled open the apartment's door only to come face to face with one of her best friends, who had her pulled into her arms far too quickly for her to react to it.

"Did Weller tell you I was coming over? What's with all that sand?"

"Uh-" Jane frowned, patting the blonde's back awkwardly "Sand?"

It was then that Patterson took a step back and took a closer look at the tattooed woman, taking in the jacket she was wearing as well as the weary look on her face. Her own face dropped and her voice fell.

"He didn't" she answered her own question quietly "You were going to leave again, weren't you?"

Jane didn't really listen, however, her eyes were fixated on the floor. "Sand" she whispered quietly, squatting down and taking a handful of it only to let it trickle through her fingers immediately. In alarm her eyes shot up and she studied the hallway cautiously. The sand was all over the floor but the majority of it was in front of Kurt's apartment.

"Jane?" Patterson tried to pull her back from her thoughts that were running a mile a minute but she didn't hear her. Instead she stood up abruptly and looked towards the staircase. "Jane? Jane!" Patterson was pretty much yelling at her when she set in motion towards the steps, grabbing her arm before she was out of reach.

"Where do you think you're going?" she demanded to know, tightening her grip around her friend's lower arm.

Jane's eyes didn't really meet hers, instead they were traveling all over the place and the look in them… wild and somewhat… frightened? "Jane?" she tried whispering again "Let's get you back inside, okay? I'll make you a tea and we can talk a little."

Finally she seemed to be able to focus "I have to see the other floors" she said quietly but fiercely "You can come, too, but I- I have to _see_.."

Her eyebrows furrowed in worry and confusion Patterson stared at her friend intently for a moment before letting go her arm and instead grabbing her hand "Okay. We'll go one downstairs and one upstairs. But it's just sand, Jane. Maybe someone is renovating their terrarium or something."

They did just that and on both floors they visited there wasn't even a trace of a single grain of sand. Patterson herself didn't know what to make of it when even the elevator was completely clean but she stayed calm and when she felt Jane start hyperventilating next to her, she dragged her back to Weller's apartment and led her to the couch, sitting down next to her.

"Shh" she whispered "Concentrate on your breathing, okay?" she sat directly in front of her, her hands on both of Jane's shoulders to stabilize her "Breathe in. And out. In… Out… In" she whispered softly and slowly but surely her breathing went back to normal and Patterson could feel her own heartrate slow down as well.

"It's only sand, okay?" she repeated, pulling Jane into an embrace "This has nothing to do with Sandstorm. Your neighbor probably owns a terrarium and wanted to do something nice for his turtles and he hasn't been able to clean up the mess, yet… It's nothing."

"It's Kurt's neighbor" Jane finally said, pulling back from the embrace "Not mine."

"Uhm. Yeah, but you live here, too so-"

"It's his apartment" she objected.

Her absolute certainty of not belonging her made Patterson angry and she glared at her friend. "I know you don't feel worthy of good things right now and I know you feel awful and as if all of it is your fault-"

"It _is_ my fault."

"No!" Patterson cried out "It's not your fault! You did everything you could to try to stop them but none of us could do anything about it. That doesn't make it our fault, you have to understand that. We tried. All of us."

" _You_ don't understand" Jane shifted on the couch, creating some space between them "None of you are at fault whatsoever! But me? I'm a completely different story! I let them do this. I let them send me to the FBI to set all this in motion. I recruited people for Sandstorm's cause and I helped build up the organization that did this! How is any of this not my fault? I-"

"No." Patterson interrupted her "Remi did that. Remi let herself be tattooed and sent to the FBI and recruited people. You're _not_ Remi."

"We're the same person." Before she could be interrupted again she continued, her voice quieter than before but deadly serious and convinced of every word she was saying "I zipped Roman and I desperately wanted to believe in the good in him but there were signs and I ignored them and he turned out to be exactly how everyone always said he is."

"It's not the same thing" Patterson tried to say but got cut off again.

"Do you know what he did that one time?" the sadness and devastation returned to her voice "He got me a painting for my apartment and everything seemed perfect, you know? He was out and about and we could talk and walk like normal people. We were going to get something to eat and go home" Patterson could feel her going far far away into the memory, her eyes turning blank.

"There was this bird" her voice was only a whisper at that point "He flew into the store window and dropped to the ground. It was struggling and we went to check on it. He-" she broke off, collecting herself, before looking Patterson dead in the eye "He stepped on it as if it was some bug that you can just squish under your shoe and then he turned around and went on as if nothing had happened. He talked about what we were going to _eat_."

"Oh."

Jane shot her a dark look "That was my _brother_ who stepped on a small innocent life as if it meant nothing without batting an eye. The person I had everyone trying to convince was a decent human being who could be redeemed. But he couldn't" She was certain of that now "So why would it be any different with me? Who's to say I don't end up remembering and going back to the person I used to be?"

"Oh Jane" Patterson scouted over, wrapping an arm around her friend's shoulder "That in itself is the reason why everything is different with you. The sole fact that you were appalled at what he did tells me everything I need to know. And yes, you should have told us about things like that but I understand why you didn't. He's your brother. We do irrational things for our family."

"But how can I be on the team who's trying to stop him, then? When I'd do irrational things for him?"

"Well, that's why people usually get taken off of cases when they hit too close to home" she explained but then smiled slightly "But I don't see Weller stepping off your case anytime soon and I don't see you turning to Sandstorm. Or would you, if given the chance?"

"Of course not! They killed… They killed so many people."

"See" Patterson shrugged "You're different. And now, to take our minds off the terrible things in this world for just a moment…" she turned to her handbag, fumbling for something in it while her other hand was still wrapped around Jane.

"Tada!" She held out a small electronic device up in excitement and pushed it in Jane's hand who stared at it as if it was an alien.

"What's that?" she wanted to know, their heavy conversation forgotten for this one small moment as she turned the piece of plastic in her hands. It had a display that filled out most of its front and some buttons you could press. It looked like a miniature phone.

Patterson pushed a button on the side of the thing and the screen turned to life "This is a Bluetooth- enabled 16GB MP4 player with 2.975 songs on it" she explained "This is like the home-button on your phone and takes you to the main menu. There you can choose if you want the songs sorted by title, artist, album or genre or select a playlist. It's not that hard to understand, I swear."

Jane frowned at her "What kind of songs are on there?"

"Oh, you know, a little bit of everything" the blonde tied her hair back in a swift motion before returning her attention to the player and Jane "I didn't know what kind of music you like so I put some of my all-time favorites on it, some classic songs everyone should know, some recent hits and since I wasn't sure whether you favored English music or something else, I put a few Russian, African, Arabic, etc. songs on it."

The tattooed woman stared at the device in her hand in wonder and then back at the blonde who had given it to her "Thank you" she whispered in awe. She couldn't remember ever getting a present like this – apart from Taylor's necklace but that hadn't really been hers – that was so thought through and she felt herself tear up but willed the tears back before giving Patterson a bone crushing hug. "I don't-"

"Don't say it" Patterson shushed her, patting her back lovingly "I always need music when I'm going through a rough patch and I was almost certain that you haven't come around to download something yet so I thought… Maybe you'd like it."

"I love it" Jane smiled and for the first time in so long Patterson could see the smile reach her eyes and the sparkle that had always accompanied Jane's laughs had returned, even if in lower intensity. The look in her friend's eyes gave her hope again when she had been so close to losing it.

She would be okay and everything would be okay in the end, she was certain of that.

"Here. I got you some headphones with good sound" she pulled out another package from her bag and handed it to Jane who made short work of the box and had pulled the headphones out in no time, plugging them into the player and clicking through some of the songs, completely absorbed in her gift.

Smiling Patterson looked down at her when she stood up and took the fluffy blanket from the end of the couch to drape it over Jane who shot her a thankful smile but otherwise didn't move.

"I'm going to make us some tea" she told her friend, not sure if she had heard it. She was settled in the corner of the couch, cuddled into the blanket, the headphones on her head effectively blocking out her surroundings and had her eyes closed, obviously listening to some music.

That was the way Kurt found them when he returned. Patterson sipping her tea and filing out her crossword puzzle and Jane listening to music.

 **A/N** : I'm curious... Did you believe Jane would leave again?


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** : Thank you for your kind words :) Plotwise this chapter ended half way through the chapter I had originally planned but for some reason they always grow longer when I'm not looking. That's why this is whole story is going to be longer than anticipated. Bear with me, please. :) And now; Enjoy x

* * *

"I'm not going." There was a finality to her voice that surprised him. Sure, she never had liked the idea of seeking out a new shrink but she had never voiced it with so much force and as much as he hated the message she sent him he couldn't help but to internally cheer at the way she delivered it.

 _There_ was the fire he had always loved. The stubbornness that made his head hurt but that he had missed more than he could tell. There was a sneak peek at _his_ Jane, at the woman who had captured his heart with her strength and truculence. It was all he could do not to smile at the glare she shot him because he was sure she would take it the wrong way.

"Yes, you are if you want to get better."

"And what if I don't?" she dropped the MP4 player into her lap. She hadn't put it away since Patterson had given it to her a few hours ago and the headphones were still dangling around her neck when she turned her head to fully look at him, her eyes narrowed, waiting for his response.

After his meeting with Director Hirst he hadn't gone straight home but had instead taken a detour to Dr. Borden's former office to talk to Dr. James Hall who had started his first week on Monday of this week and thankfully still had some vacancies in his calendar so he could schedule Jane an appointment for the same day in the late afternoon.

Now, he had known that he would have to fight her on it again but he had hoped if she understood the importance of her giving therapy another try for her staying on their team.

Kurt had been standing in front of the couch she was currently occupying but took a step closer now and plopped down on the armchair next to it, his upper body bound forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He returned the gaze just as stubbornly, glad she wasn't breaking it.

"The only way Director Hirst is going to keep you on our team is if you take up counseling again" he explained gently.

"She's not going to let me out in the field anyway" Jane shot back "The field is the only place where I could maybe do something useful for you. What am I supposed to do at the office? What am I supposed to do here? If she won't let me take up field work again, why bother at all? If she doesn't trust me outside the office she'd be smart to mistrust me inside as well."

"Jane" he reached out his hands for her but thought better of it and dropped them down on his knees once more "Taking you out of the field is not a punishment-"

"Oh please" she scoffed but he shook his head and raised his hand, asking her to let him finish his sentence which – to his surprise – she grudgingly did.

"It's not a punishment" he repeated, trying to convey the sincerity of his words in his eyes as well "She's is worried for you, too, and she's worried for the team. And _not_ " he shook his head again when she opened her mouth "Not because she doesn't trust you or believes you're going to betray us. She doesn't blame you. She's worried because right now your self- destructive behavior is making you reckless and it's putting your life as much at risk as it does ours."

Adamantly she wagged her head at him "I would never put any of your lives at risk" she whispered, suddenly sounding as broken as she was "I'd take any bullet and any hit for any of you, I promise. If I can be nothing else, at least let me be your shield."

Oh Jane. His heart was breaking at her complete lack of self- worth and keeping himself from taking her into his arms felt like a true Herculean task just then but he managed to do it. "That right there is the problem" he said just as quietly, willing her to raise her head again to return his gaze again but she wouldn't look up from her fingers.

"Jane" he got up and scooted over to the couch, sitting down next to her with his right leg crossed beneath his body and his whole body turned towards her. When she still wouldn't stop fidgeting with her hands he put his hands on top of them, giving them a gentle squeeze until she looked up at him.

"I know you would never put us at risk. We all know that" he gave her a small smile but she seemed to look right through it "But you constantly putting yourself at risk to shield us will hazard our lives just as much as any bullet directed at our chests would." She still didn't seem to understand but he hoped she was at least listening.

"We love you. We value your life even if you don't and when you go out on your suicide missions, we will always follow you."

Finally she raised her eyes and met his gaze. Her green eyes shining with unshed tears and heartbreak and he could almost hear her thoughts. He could imagine how she would blame herself for not even protecting them the right way and he could hear the voice in her head yelling at her how worthless she was.

"It's not your fault" he told her softly, turning her hand so he could intertwine his fingers with hers "But we need you to get better. If you can't do it for yourself, at least give it a try for us." He squeezed her hand "We're not a team without you there. We need you."

That broke through her defenses and to his immense relief she gave him a silent nod before she removed her hand from his and collected her player again, putting the headphones back on her ears and started to scroll through the songs again.

It didn't take long until she had closed her eyes again, effectively shutting him out from our inner workings, but he was used to it and was contend with watching her for a moment while she lost herself to the music.

Truly relaxing for the first time since he had gotten out of his appointment and had found Jane missing, he leaned back into the armchair and let his eyes fall close. There would still be enough to worry about when he opened them back up eventually but right now he took this moment and bathed in the sense of belonging and purpose she gave him even when she wouldn't meet his eyes and couldn't understand his love for her.

* * *

After about half an hour Jane opened her eyes and was surprised when she found Kurt still sitting on the armchair, his head leaned to the side of it, his eyes closed and his features relaxed. As quietly as she could she shifted her position so she could watch him more closely. His whole body was turned towards her like it always was and she didn't doubt for a second that some part of him was actually still awake and guarding her.

For a while she simply watched him sleep, taking in every little detail of his appearance. She could see the bags under his eyes even though his eyelashes covered up some of them and he looked incredibly tired even in his sleep. His stubble was long, longer than he usually kept it – undoubtedly due to her leaving and him looking for her.

Involuntarily she lifted her hand to touch his cheek but she stopped herself mid motion as soon as she realized what she was doing and instead her hand fell lifelessly back into her lap. She wanted to take all his sorrow from him and help him carry the weight that was always sitting on his shoulders… but how could she when she was the source for most of them? How could she hope to help him when she couldn't even help herself?

He had said that he – and the team – needed her to get better and that's why she had to meet with Dr. Hall but what if he couldn't help her? What did he want to help her with anyway? How could he lift any of the guilt she was carrying when the source of it stayed the same? And how could it change? What had been done had been done and there was no use trying to change it.

Kurt's breathing was hypnotically calm and deep. It could calm her down like nothing else could and she felt herself match his breathing pattern and leaning her head on the couch's backrest, watching him and letting herself get lost in the music once more.

 _»And I'm wondering why I still fight in this life. 'Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife. And it's sad, It's so damn sad._ _«_

Jane looked down onto the player in her hand. _Within Temptation_. It seemed to be a band or a singer? She wasn't sure but she felt that some songs had been written exclusively for her and for some reason it was easier to listen to them than to her own sad life story. For some reason it was easier to let go and shed a few tears with a song in the background.

Was that what Patterson had wanted to achieve with her gift? That she would finally cry about what she had done so she could leave it behind her?

Following a sudden impulse she ripped the headphones from her head and let them drop to the couch as if they had burnt her. She didn't want people trying to make her get over it because none of them could understand that you couldn't get over being a murderer. There was no making this right as she had told Kurt before and even if she felt like maybe she could be redeemed just because she was listening to music… she knew it was too dangerous to believe in a promise like that.

It would come back to haunt her later. It always did.

Suddenly shivering she pulled the blanket tighter around her body and as she did the MP4 player dropped to the floor followed by her headphones and suddenly the peaceful silence in the apartment was broken and she watched Kurt's eyes snap open immediately at the loud crash.

His body leaned forward when his brain still seemed to be at least half way asleep and he automatically reached for the location where she had sat when he had fallen asleep but gripping into thin air instead. Now truly alerted he turned his head and hadn't she been watching so closely she wouldn't have seen the brief glimpse of fear she had seen in them before his eyes found hers and relief flooded them instead.

"Hey" he whispered, his hands barely touching her shoulder when he leaned back into the armchair. "You okay?"

She nodded and freed her hands from the blanket so she could bend down and pick up the two objects that had made the noise. She held them up in a way of explanation and dropped them on the coffee table next to her unfinished bowl of soup.

"Are you hungry?" she heard Kurt's voice and when she nodded it was more for his sake than because she was actually hungry because she wasn't.

"Maybe I could eat a few bites" she said timidly, looking up at him through her lashes and finding him smiling fondly at her.

"I'll heat up some of the soup" he exclaimed getting up, eager to get her something to eat and she followed his movement into the kitchen until she could hear him clatter and rattle in it with the pot and stirring spoon. A quick glance to her watch told her that they would have to leave in a little less than an hour if they wanted to be on time for her appointment.

Inwardly sighing she got up, grabbed her player and the headphones and headed for the guestroom to get changed.

Even though she slept in his bedroom most nights she had stashed all her meager belongings in the other room from day one. She didn't like to admit it, even to herself, that without him next to her she probably wouldn't even be getting the little amount of sleep she was currently getting.

She probably wouldn't go to bed at all if it wasn't for him forcing her to shut her eyes because she feared the nightmares that seemed to be getting worse every day. That had been the case on the first night he had taken her in. She had sat on the floor in front of the balcony door for hours, watching the city lights and people walking past and hadn't bothered to go to sleep, not even when he had bid her good night.

* * *

 _"_ _Jane?" she heard his voice still raspy with sleep but she didn't turn around "What time is it? Why are you still up?"_

 _Jane kept her eyes on the street lights and didn't hear but rather felt that he stalked closer to her until she could sense his presence next to her and he dropped down onto his knees next to her, following her gaze. She had been sitting on this exact stop on the floor cross-legged and unshifting before he had gone to sleep and she hadn't moved since._

 _"_ _Have you tried sleeping at all?" he wanted to know and carefully reached out a hand to touch her shoulder "You're freezing."_

 _She shrugged, her gaze unwavering._

 _"_ _Are you scared to go to sleep?"_

 _She turned her head so abruptly their skulls almost collided because neither had expected the sudden movement. "I'm not scared" she replied evenly, glaring at him._

 _Silently he let himself sink back, crossing his legs and mimicking her position but facing her still. His hand was still on her shoulder and he rubbed it up and down her arms a few times to generate heat. "It's okay to be scared" he said quietly after a while._

 _"_ _I am not." Pulling back her arm in irritation she shivered involuntarily at the loss of contact and instead hugged herself tightly, letting her gaze drop to the floor._

 _"_ _You're having nightmares, don't you?" His knowledge of her nightmares was a relic to a time when she had talked to him, when they had grown closer, when she had believed that she could be good – when the world had still been turning and hadn't been burned down to ashes by her family._

 _She tried shaking her head but for some reason she couldn't lie to him so she stayed still instead. Truth was, her nightmares had been getting worse every day. There hadn't been a single night since the attack that she had managed to get in more than two hours of sleep and she knew it was showing and she knew she couldn't keep going like that._

 _Fact was, though, that she didn't deserve better and that the nightmares weren't the worst of what she actually deserved. Still, she couldn't face them – she was too weak – and that was why she stayed awake for as long as she could every night, until her eyes would close on their own account and she would drift off to her own personal hell anyway._

 _When she woke she was usually covered in sweat and tears and blood from clawing her nails into her flesh and she usually woke up with a scream. She didn't want Kurt to see or hear her like that – broken. He didn't deserve to have to take care of her even if for some reason he seemed to have his mind death set to the task._

 _"_ _They're only dreams." She heard him say and it was then that a tiny gurgle escaped her lips, hollow and lost as she was herself._

 _"_ _And when I wake from my dreams I am a traitor and a murderer. Sometimes I think it would be better to stay in my dreams, at least there it's not_ always _my fault."_

 _Almost had he started the whole 'It's not your fault'- speech again, she had felt him take a deep breath for it, but somehow the words didn't come out and she was glad for that. It was tiring to listen to the same lies over and over again. Instead she felt him reach out for her again and wrap his arm around her shoulders. Instantly her body leaned into his touch and she silently cursed him for it._

 _Without a word he raised from the ground and pulled her with him until they were standing next to each other, his arm hugging her tightly to him. Slowly he started walking towards his bedroom, taking her with him and she was too cold and lost and broken to put up a fight. Gently he pushed the door open and walked up to the bed, lifting her up gently and laying her down on it._

 _He didn't try to make her change into something more comfortable than the jeans and shirt she was currently wearing but lay down beside her and reached for the big blanket to cover both of them. Again she shivered, her body finally realizing just how cold she had been._

 _Jane felt his hand grasp hers under the covers when he settled into a comfortable sleeping position – facing her – and she could feel his breath on her forehead._

 _"_ _I love you, Jane" she heard him whisper and closed her eyes, trying to drown out his words "It's not your fault. I'm with you. I love you."_

* * *

That had been the second time he had told her he loved her and he hadn't stopped telling her ever since even if she never reciprocated the words. Except for this one time when she had called his business phone just so she could hear his voice on the answering machine one last time, another weakness.

Without actively thinking about it she got dressed and they shared some soup before they left for her appointment with Dr. Hall.

* * *

"Mr. Weller, I cannot talk to you about what Ms. Doe and I discuss during our meetings."

Kurt groaned inwardly at the psychologist but had enough self- restrain to not roll his eyes at him.

"I know and I value doctor-patient- confidentiality, believe me" from the look on the other man's face he could see that he didn't "I just want to ask you a question about Jane and hear your professional opinion about it."

"Okay, I will answer your question to the best of my abilities." Doctor Hall leaned back in his chair, the clipboard he had been taking notes on laying head first in his lap, and he waited for the question expectantly.

Kurt nodded thankfully "So, I know this has only been the second meeting and that there can be no hope for immediate healing but still I'm wondering if there shouldn't have been at least a minor improvement? I know Jane, she doesn't like talking about herself and she's really hurt and she blames herself for-"

"I have read the file" Doctor Hall interrupted him "And I have made my mind up upon what I saw of Jane in the two sessions we've had together. I cannot tell you what she did or didn't tell me."

"I know" he was growing frustrated with this conversation and restless, knowing that Jane was waiting for him outside "I just- Sometimes she is really far gone and a friend gave her an MP4- Player with a lot of songs on them and she always listens to them, which is good, I think. But at times I'm wondering if maybe she's losing herself in the music. What if one day she doesn't want to come back from there?"

The psychologist nodded slightly, rubbing his hand over his chin thoughtfully "As I've read in the file Ms. Doe – Jane – has taken the escape route inside herself already when confronted with extreme torture. I understand why you might fear that she is going to take that route again."

That was exactly what he was scared of. He had never seen Jane truly close up, not as much as he knew she had when she had been tortured. The thought still made him reel, anger and grief and guilt overcoming him every time.

"I'm afraid, that one day she is going to leave mentally and we won't be able to get her back", he whispered.

"I understand your concern, Mr. Weller" the doctor said "In my opinion, from the few information I could gather until now, Jane has to find herself again. She lost her family and she failed the purpose she had reduced her life to, she doesn't know which way to go and what is right and what is wrong" he explained, leaning forward and looking at Kurt intently.

"Since she has come out of that bag in Time Square I believe she has always depended on other people telling her who she was and that was all she could make her mind up with. She had your team telling her that she is Taylor Shaw. Then she had this Oscar telling her the same thing but that she was part of something bigger, that this was her idea. Those were two sides of a coin and her inner struggle with those two identities never ended."

"Because when she finally chose a side, she was told that she had never truly been Taylor Shaw and right after that she was sent to a Black Site, with no one but herself and her torturers. In that moment she was back to square one and she knew nothing about herself – again – the only thing she knew was that she betrayed you, even if she did it for your own good. I think Ms. Doe has only ever been able to see herself in a positive light when looking through your eyes."

And he had ruined that by taking her into custody and letting her be tortured. Kurt didn't know if he wanted to hear the rest of it.

"She tried building up a life after she had fled the CIA but again her own decisions were overthrown and she was forced back here where she took the role as traitor and double agent and pawn that you gave her. You have to remember, she still didn't know more about herself than before only now it was believed she was part of a terrorist organization. And when she met her _family_ who told her her birth-name she still wouldn't and couldn't join them again because she was under your control and in addition to that, so many people had already told her who she was and none of them had spoken the truth yet, why would she believe those people now?"

They never had given her anything to hold onto, had they? A wonder Jane made it as far as she did and stayed loyal to them through it all.

"So now she was fighting on both sides and was part of two teams – who both distrusted her – and she still had no clue who she was but she made that decision slowly but surely when she stayed on your side through the entire thing and with that she had to betray her family and she did that for you. She did it to save lives and then more people died and it's her family's fault and who's to say that her roots aren't as rotten as the rest of her family tree? That's going on in her mind."

"We never gave her time to truly find out what person she wanted to be" Kurt summarized quietly.

The psychologist shook his head "No, you didn't. She only ever relied on her reflexes and her gut to know what's right and wrong and now that foundation is thoroughly shaken and she has to build up her whole being anew. It's bound to take time - give it to her. I believe she is incredibly strong and will find her way. All we can do is support her along the way as much as she will allow it."

"Th- Thank you" he said, standing up from the chair he occupied and holding out his hand for the doctor to shake "Thank you so much for your thoughts on this… I will try to give her everything she needs."

"And don't pressure her." The other man smiled and shook the outstretched hand friendly "Have a good day, Agent Weller."

* * *

Jane had visited Doctor Hall twice and she had decided he was actually a nice guy and she tried to take their meetings seriously but still found it hard to trust someone with her inner workings and doubts. She didn't want to tell anyone of the magnitude of her guilt because she didn't think anyone would understand. Or they might understand and blame her too and cuff her and put her away for good and she couldn't take that even though she deserved it. Before that happened she would make a run for it.

She was curled up on the bed in the guestroom fully dressed and tried to calm the storm in her mind. Today the president would come to the NYO to talk to the team and to talk to her. What did he want to know? Did he blame her? He had to blame someone… who not her? It was her fault after all.

Kurt told her not to say that, though.

Everyone had told her that they didn't blame her but she saw the grief in their eyes when they thought about the attacks and she knew that she put it there. Sometimes she seemed to be doing better – she had finished half a sandwich in one try the other day – and on others she wanted to pull her hair and claw at her eyes and hurt herself for all she did.

In moments like these she couldn't breathe and guilt seemed to make up her whole being.

Curling up tighter she hugged her knees to her chest, her fingernails digging into her flesh and for a moment she let herself surrender to the stab of pain she felt – finally something she knew how to deal with.

Involuntarily her eyes flew up to the desk in the small room. On the desk was sitting a black sketchbook, taunting her weakness. Beside it was a wide variety of colored pencils, the whole package was still closed but there were three lead pencils lying next to it, calling for her. She refused them. Like she had every minute since Kurt had bought all of it yesterday. He seemed to be thinking that it would help her come to terms with what happened – to help her _find herself_ as he had put it – but he was wrong.

She knew who she was and she was a traitor. Pretty pictures wouldn't change that. It was more likely that the darkness inside her would spill onto the paper for everyone to see and she couldn't let that happen. They would put her away and call her crazy and blame her and as much as she thought that they should she knew she wasn't strong enough to see the hatred return to their eyes.

"Jane?" Kurt's voice rang through the apartment and slowly she started to uncurl and relax her features. He wanted her to be better, she had to at least try to act like it for him. Jane sat up on the bed and straightened her clothes, freeing them of imaginary dust and not a second later Kurt was already poking his head in her room. "Are you ready?"

Nodding she shot him a small smile and got up. They were on their way to the office, at 7am – earlier than they had gone to work the last two days but today wasn't a normal day. So much depended on the conversations and briefings today, it made her sick to her stomach and she had barely managed to swallow a bite of her toast.

They were almost out of the door when her phone chimed up and she frowned down on it, the uneasy feeling returning with full force, just when she had hoped the day wouldn't turn out to be too bad.

"Is there a storm coming up?" she looked up at Kurt questioningly and he frowned at her.

"Not that I know of. Why?" he replied, currently distracted with straightening his tie for a last time he didn't see the terror in Jane's eyes.

"It's nothing" she whispered, barely audible. Putting on her jacket and shoes, trying to appear as calm as possible, she felt her heart sink into her stomach. She was being paranoid. Dr. Hall had told her that was a sign for PTSD. It was paranoia, nothing else.

Of course it felt real – paranoia felt real for the people who experienced it, she had read about that.

And still… suddenly the phone she had put in the back pocket of her jeans seemed to be so much heavier with this last message she had just gotten.

 _A storm is approaching New York City. Better prepare and keep the people you love safe._

With a link attached.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N** : I'm not a 100percent happy with this but I'm leaving on a trip to Amsterdam over the weekend and won't be able to get anything out before Tuesday at best. Hope you'll still enjoy this. :)

"How are you feeling today, Jane?" Doctor Hall send her a friendly smile and sat back into his chair, his left leg crossed over his right, a pen in his hand ready to start scribbling notes on his clipboard and his gaze open.

Jane watched him closely, like she had every session, she was still looking for something treacherous or suspicious that could tell her that he wasn't really on their side. Up until now she hadn't had much luck with her scrutiny but she wouldn't just trust her first impression of this man when the last therapist she had had, had ultimately turned her over to Shepherd.

"I'm good" she replied – her default answer for the question – and like every day he simply cocked his head to one side and waited for her to continue. They played that game for roughly five minutes until he realized, again, that she wouldn't be the one to break the silence. A fact that, in itself, worried him.

Eventually it was him who started talking again.

"I've heard that the president is going to be visiting the NYO today and that he is going to want to talk to you. How do you feel about that?"

She nodded and – remembering that she had promised to at least give therapy a try – answered "I'm not sure what to expect. I don't know what he wants to talk about with me."

"Does that make you anxious?"

Jane frowned at him "In what way? Am I scared? Not really, I know he couldn't fight me. Am I insecure of what to say? I have told this story so frequently, I think if someone woke me in the middle of the night I could recite it perfectly. Am I eager for his words? No, I don't think they will change much." The people would still be dead and it would still be her fault.

"I know the president is not very likely to physically fight you" the psychologist agreed seriously and leaned forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands holding the pen. "But you could be scared of what he could say. He wants to talk to you one on one, am I not right? Are you afraid that he could attack you with words? I know we have talked about this already but it's not a shame to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid" she insisted "Whatever he's going to change isn't going to change the facts."

"Yes. Facts." Doctor Hall picked up the word, underlining it in the air with his pen "You seem to be very focused on the facts but I think we can agree that facts always look different from different point of views."

Jane shook her head and crossed her arms in front of her chest, leveling the good doctor with her gaze "Shouldn't a fact be something objective and you know – factual?"

"Indeed" he nodded, taking in her posture "But in this case, for example, the fact is that something horrible happened. That is unlikely to change and we have to accept it as it is. The question of guilt – or fault for that matter – however is something else entirely."

"No" she denied "There are things that led up to … the event. Those are facts. They are documented, written down and well known about. The question of fault is not really a question." She hadn't wanted to say that much, she had gotten caught up in the moment, wanting him to understand that this was indeed as she said it was.

"There are facts" he agreed calmly "about what happened on the days before the attacks and the files have been gone through probably a million times. Still, no one seems to blame you, except for yourself. Why do you think that is?"

She glared at him. "They're not objective."

"But you are?" he shot back without batting an eye but raising his eyebrows incredulously.

Jane wouldn't answer that. With her arms still crossed in front of her, she leaned back in the chair and returned the doctor's gaze unblinking.

"Fine" he sighed, giving up the silent contest "Let's talk about your connections to Sandstorm" he glanced down on his clipboards and his notes from the last two sessions "Are you still in contact with any member of that organization?"

"No. Of course not" she gave back, annoyed at being asked the same questions over and over again.

"Have you actively supported Sandstorm in conducting the attack?"

"Yes."

Again he raised an eyebrow at her stoic gaze "Things you did after the memory erase?"

"Yes." She had gotten Mayfair killed, she had helped steal the microchip and hadn't even managed to upload it to the FBI servers.

"Did you consider joining your former organization when they were carrying out the attack?"

"No. Never. I was with Weller, we were trying to locate them."

"So, your fault lies in not being able to locate the bomb in time" he summarized "Is that right? Because the other things were barely the build- up for what was supposed to happen after the attack. You didn't trigger the attack itself."

She nodded, not sure where he was going with this.

"Following that logic, wouldn't Agent Weller be just as guilty?"

What? "No!" she exclaimed, letting her hands drop to her knees and leaning forward – mimicking the psychologists posture "He's not in any way guilty of what happened in Washington! He did everything he could, more than anyone else would've done. He's a good person! A good agent!"

Doctor Hall nodded slowly "But didn't you work together?"

Jane paused, frowning at him "That's… different. He didn't do this."

He could see that her mind was reeling with everything that had just talked about and so he gave her a minute to collect herself before he spoke again, taking up another topic.

"You have told me on Monday that you feel like they won't ever let you be" he said gently, leaning back in his chair again and watching her reactions "You feel like you're being followed and we talked about paranoia. There has been sand in front of your apartment. Did you ask your neighbor whether he has a terrarium or not?"

She shook her head. The sand had been gone when Kurt had gotten home and if Patterson hadn't seen the sand as well she wouldn't even have believed herself that it had been there. There hadn't been anymore sand on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, the hall was as clean as it always had been. Not even a trace of a sole sand grain.

"Has there been another incident like that?"

The doctor pulled her out of her thoughts and suddenly she remembered the message she had gotten and she felt her heartbeat accelerate. How could she have forgotten? Was it all the hectic in the office that morning? For some reason she hadn't even thought about that message again but now… Was it really paranoia talking to her? She should've asked Patterson if someone else had gotten a similar message.

"So, yes?" intrigued he dropped his pen and watched her intently "What happened?"

"It's nothing" she tried waving her hand to put the thought off but suddenly her limbs felt limp.

"Then tell me about the nothing" he urged her and for a moment she wanted to get up and leave and go somewhere else – anywhere. But she had promised Kurt she would try to get better to her best of her abilities and this was a part of that… talking to a psychologist about her worries.

"I've gotten a message this morning" she began, pulling out her phone and turning it so he could see the text.

"A storm is approaching New York City. Better prepare and keep the people you love safe" he read aloud "Do you know where this link leads?"

Jane shook her head, regarding the message again herself "Patterson once told me I shouldn't click on links I don't know the origin of. There could be viruses and all sorts of stuff there…" It seemed like a distant memory now. When the blonde had inculcated this fact into her it had been about some online game she had been playing that Tasha had shown her.

"That's true. May I?" he asked reaching for the phone and taking a closer look when she gave it up to him "You can't see the number that sent this?"

"It's something like 11111" she said, having tried looking at the number beforehand "Like some companies use for sending out ads."

"Maybe it is an ad for you know first- aid books and shopping lists with what you should buy beforehand…" he suggested "I get messages like this all the time. Mostly from the pizza delivery company, though."

"Yeah maybe" taking back her phone Jane locked it and put it back into her pocket "I'll ask Patterson about it…"

While the psychologist nodded in agreement and ended their session, telling her again that she shouldn't carry all that guilt on her shoulders and wishing her good luck for the talk with the president, her thoughts were racing and she barely heard half of what he was saying.

Finally, he got up and held out his hand "Goodbye, Jane. I'll see you tomorrow." With that she was released.

Jane left the room as fast as she could without looking as if she wanted to escape something. When she had turned a corner and the office wasn't in view anymore she slowed down and leaned against the wall for support, trying to calm herself down. Slowly she let herself sink to the floor, her phone in her hands without a conscious thought.

With closed eyes she tried out the breathing exercises Patterson had shown her but they wouldn't work – her head was still spinning and after a moment she gave up on it and glanced back down on her phone. Pulling up the message again she stared at it for a long while.

Should she follow the link? Would that do her any good or would she go even crazier? Maybe it was some website to prepare for actual storms… or it was a hidden message Sandstorm was trying to send her…

 _Keep the people you love safe._

That was all she wanted to do, wasn't it? Why was she failing so miserably at it?

Without further ado she tapped the screen and followed the link. It seemed to take forever to load and she was about to simply close the tab again when it finished.

 **ERROR 404. The website you were trying to reach is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.**

Letting out a breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding, Jane dropped her phone into her lap and leaned her head back against the wall. It was a false alarm. It was some weird ad linked to some weird website that wasn't even working. It was nothing… Nothing at all. She had been overreacting again.

Suddenly the phone she was still grasping in her hand vibrated and she almost let it fall to the floor suddenly frightened of what she would see next.

But it was just Kurt telling her that he was busy and that he was sorry he couldn't pick her up as usual.

Just Kurt, no eerie messages with strange links. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except for the fact that he trusted her enough to not go running again. That was new.

Getting up she quickly considered her options before typing a reply. She didn't want to spend more time in SIOC than absolutely necessary, not when today everything and everyone seemed to be hustling from one place to the next, always busy and she would be sitting there useless as usual… no, there'd be enough of that later.

Instead she went by the locker room quickly and donned her workout clothes before heading to the gym. As usual around that time it was empty, even more so now that everyone but her had something to do to prepare. Stepping around the room slowly she let her eyes wander over the equipment.

The good thing about their gym was the fact that it had video surveillance so that, if Kurt wanted to see if she was indeed still there, he would only have to log into the security system and see it for himself… he wouldn't have to waste time running through all of the NYO to see whether or not she had run off again.

She started with a quick warm up – stretching her shoulders and the back of her legs lightly before stepping up the pace more and more until she felt her breathing pick up and the first beads of sweat on her face. Following her usual routine she stepped onto the treadmill then and ran for 20 minutes nonstop with full speed and a slight incline.

It felt good to be huffing and puffing again, to feel her heart and lungs and legs work hard and she barely felt dizzy at all – better than she had been feeling just last week. She tried pushing herself without pushing too far… she knew that neither Patterson nor Kurt had the time to spare to take care of her today.

When she was done she stepped down and made her way towards the punching bag – her primary outlet for any emotion as of lately. Looking down on her hands she had them already clenched to a fist when she saw her still bruised knuckles going white. Releasing her grip she watched the blood return to her fingers in fascination before pulling another fist.

They were already scabbed- over, no open wounds, but she knew from experience that even light pressure could pull the scab open again and then she would be bleeding again.

Again, no one had time to take care of her.

She was only being practical, she told herself, when she stepped over to the shelf in the corner taking out bandages and fitting boxing gloves. It took her a while to administer the dressing but she did it to the best of her abilities and she could almost see Kurt being excited that she was taking care of herself. Undoubtedly he would be thrilled, thinking that she was on the way to recovery.

She silently promised herself that she wouldn't tell him the real reason behind it. He didn't need to know.

Highly focused, she started throwing punches, trying to stay fixated only on the punching bag and to keep her thoughts on the inanimate object instead of the faces that usually accompanied her boxing sessions. She didn't have time for a mental break down.

After another half an hour she was done and thoroughly sweating from head to toe. She felt good, as good as she hadn't had felt in some time. She felt alive without having to hurt herself. It was good for a start.

Texting Kurt again that she would take a quick shower and meet him in the bullpen afterwards she returned to the locker room did just that – the water temperature as cold as possible, she let the sweat wash from her body. She paid mind to not shower indefinitely because she didn't want him to worry if he should start looking and for her, so it didn't take her longer than 15 minutes until she was freshly showered and back in her normal clothes on her way to the bullpen.

* * *

7 minutes and 42 seconds.

Jane had been here for barely 8 minutes and already she felt her throat starting to close up again and had to consciously keep herself from clawing her fingernails into her thenar. She was sitting on her desk, the same working place she always occupied, and watched everyone else hustle past her with important tasks and documents – completely engrossed in the preparations for their visitor.

The files they had gone through so often and that she knew by heart were _everywhere_. Digital, analog, spoken about… there was no getting away from the words that were permanently etched into her brain telling her and everyone around her of her part in the whole disaster.

She couldn't see anyone from her closer team, for which she was grateful, but she knew some of the people rushing past her and even if _she_ didn't know _them_ , she was absolutely certain that _they_ knew _her_. Their looks told her as much. Were it still the tattoos that attracted the attention or was it simply her presence? A traitor in their own ranks. A murderer. A terrorist.

Maybe the blackness of her soul had somehow bleed onto her skin?

Looking down she found that the tattoos were still the only black thing on her arms but she wasn't fully convinced.

Her skin looked exactly like it had that moment that she had stepped out of the bag in Time Square – safe maybe for more bruises and scars – and still she felt so much differently. She had climbed out of that bag, wanting to know who she was and who did this to her and now? Now she wanted to forget who she was and forget what she had been a part of.

She wanted to stop existing.

Feeling her heartbeat accelerate she stood up abruptly. She couldn't break down – not here where everyone could see. A quick look over her shoulder told her that Kurt was still deeply in conversation in his office and hadn't seen her stand up. Good.

Moving very deliberately, trying to act as if everything was okay and if her insides weren't currently screaming at her to punch something – herself? – until she would bleed, until she would feel in control again, she left the SIOC and wandered around the halls to the left – seemingly aimless.

But she wasn't. She knew exactly where she wanted to go – an empty office in the south wing that had nothing much except for a desk and three chairs. Going there had become her escape plan for moments like this, when everything got too much and she had to get away from the people in this office, and she had even told Kurt about it so he wouldn't worry.

He probably still did but that couldn't be helped.

Finally she reached the right door and as soon as she had stepped inside and closed the door, she felt her put-on casualness crumble as well as her body and she barely got to the chair in time to let herself plop down on it before her breathing started picking up and it was all she could do to keep herself from hyperventilating.

 _In. Out. In. Out._

She could hear Patterson's voice in her mind.

 _In. Out. Murderer._

The eyes that had fallen close were suddenly pulled open again when she heard her own voice instead.

 _Imposter.. In. Out. In. Traitor. Out._

In an attempt to stop the voices altogether Jane pressed her hands to her hears, leaning forward until her head was laying on her knees and she tried rocking herself back in forth. They wouldn't stop. They would go on forever.

AH.

She clenched her hands and dug her nails into her temple.

STOP. Why wouldn't it stop?

 _InOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOutInOut._

Even Patterson's voice in her head started hyperventilating. She had to stop this somehow.

When the first tear fell she felt her whole body spasm but it was enough of an outlet so she could take a deep breath again and with the strength she gained from it she pulled the MP4 Player out of pocket of her hoodie and put the headphones on, pressing play.

The song started out so quietly it was barely audible. Soft piano sounds reached her ear and slowly grew louder as the intro went on. When the first line of the song started she had gotten her current seizure under control – at least enough so she could slowly unclench her fists and instead hugged her knees with her arms.

Gradually she managed to regulate her breathing until it was only slightly faster than it normally was and she felt a weird sort of quiet take over her body as it usually did when she listened to this song. Inch by inch she pulled herself together – physically and mentally – and sat up in the chair again, leaning back against the backrest with her eyes closed.

 _Did you find it hard to breathe?_

 _Did you cry so much that you could barely see?_

 _You're in the darkness all alone_

 _And no one cares, there's no one th–_

She hit pause the second she felt the door open and whirled around but relaxed immediately when she saw who it was.

"Relax, it's just me." Jane returned the smile he shot her weakly. "Can I sit?"

Nodding she pushed her own chair a little further to the right to let Reade take a seat in the other chair.

"I brought tea" he said with an awkward nod to the two cups he was still holding up, giving her one of them "I thought we could use the break."

"You don't have to-" she started.

"I know" Reade send her a smile and took a sip from his tea "I want to. I know it's a lot. All of it."

She nodded again and held the warm cup closer to her face, softly blowing at it and enjoying the warmth in her hands and on her nose. For a while they simply sat like that in companionable silence, taking a sip from their tea from time to time, until Reade pulled her out of her thoughts again, pointing to the player she had put on the table when she had reached for the cup.

"What are you listening to?" he asked curiously.

"I-uh" looking down on the device she cleared her throat "Patterson gave it to me and she put some songs on it because she didn't know what I liked and yeah it's-" she tried to think of words to describe the song she had just been listening to but came up blank. Instead she put her tea down on the table and took the player into her hands, fiddling with it "Uh- do you want to listen?"

At that his smile widened and she felt some of her uncertainty ease when he put on the headphones and she pressed play, playing the song in her mind as well.

 _But did you see the flares in the sky?_

 _Were you blinded by the light?_

 _Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?_

 _Did you, did you?_

 _Did you see the sparks filled with hope?_

 _You are not alone_

 _'Cause someone's out there, sending out flares_

"It's beautiful" Reade said when the chorus was over and he took the headphones off again, handing them back to her. "It sounds hopeful."

Jane shrugged, putting the player back on the table and going back to concentrating on the cup in her hands.

"It's gonna be okay, you know that, right?" she looked up when she felt him lean towards her and their eyes locked. His brown ones full of compassion and hope, her green ones scared and tired. She wanted to be as certain as he was that everything would be okay again, it was tempting and yet… Observing how he put his hand on her lower arm, giving it a gentle squeeze, she couldn't grasp how this person – and Kurt and Tasha and Patterson – could still care for her.

Suddenly the door was being pulled open and the reply she was just trying to contrive was gone in an instance when Patterson's head poked around the corner.

"Guys! He's here!" The blonde exclaimed excitedly – and was there a little nervousness as well? "The lobby just called, he's coming up now any second."

 **A/N** : Song is Flares by The Script.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N** : This one's for you Ishd! Because I did not continue reading your latest chapter after the author's note, but I'm gonna do that now. Anyway, this is going a lot slower than I imagined it would be. Still hope you enjoy it x

Almost everyone had already assembled in the bullpen when Jane, Reade and Patterson got there. There was an underlying chatter that dried up whenever someone new joined, as if everyone was scared of who might be listening. When Jane looked around she realized that she had never seen this many faces here on this floor and she already felt herself getting dizzy again.

"Hey" Kurt's voice pulled her from her own thoughts as he stepped next to her, resting his hand on the small of her back for a second before pulling away again, looking at her in concern. "Are you okay?"

She shot him something that she hoped resembled a smile and nodded. His slightly raised eyebrow, however, told her that he didn't believe her and she rolled her eyes at him, feeling an actual smile on her lips when he kept glaring at her and shrugged at him. He seemed to be taking that as the most he would get from her and mimicked her motion with a grin.

They could've gone on like this for a while if it hadn't been for Reade and Patterson who hadn't even realized the conversation they had just had in silence.

"By the way, Patterson, you really did choose nice music for that player" Reade was saying and suddenly Kurt's expression changed from slightly amused to grim in less than a heartbeat. Jane frowned at him as Patterson started chatting animatedly about how she chose the music for her player.

"You showed Reade a song?" Kurt wanted to know so quietly that she could only hear him because he was basically saying it in her ear. He sounded so hurt and Jane couldn't help but wonder what his problem was. Did she hurt him? Again?

She nodded, involuntarily grabbing the player in the pocket of her hoodie and looking up at him with big eyes "Is that a bad thing? I thought Doctor Hall and you wanted me to open up more."

"No" she watched him close his eyes and rub them with his left hand "It's a great thing that you're opening up to someone… I just thought" he seemed to be at a loss for words and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Looking down at their clasped hands he seemed to be taking strength from the image "I though you would open up to me" he admitted quietly "I know how much those songs mean to you, you're always listening to them and they seem to help… But it's okay, you know, if I'm not the right person to talk to. I just want you to be happy and-"

He had started rambling and Jane was about to cut him off when Tasha did it for her. The Latina hurried towards them "Has anyone seen Nas? I thought she wanted to join for our _talk_. Seeing as this was a joined forces operation."

"You're right" Patterson agreed, looking around the area now as well "Director Hirst said she would be here but I haven't seen her yet or gotten a message. Have you heard from her, Weller?"

Quickly Jane dropped their hands and pulled hers back to join the other one in the kangaroo pocket of her hoodie when all eyes fell on Weller and, due to their physical proximity, on her as well. It felt better to not touch him when the conversation was about Nas, her feelings for the other woman were still conflicted and even more so when it concerned Kurt's and her relationship.

The thought of them together made her angry and sad at the same time even though she didn't have a right to feel either of those things. They were two adults who were obviously attracted to one another and she, Jane, and Kurt hadn't been anything at that point and she was still too broken for there to ever be anything else. He was bound to grow tired of her at some point and Nas was obviously very beautiful and-

No. She wouldn't go there.

Trying to distract herself somehow Jane looked up again and her eyes locked with Reade's. Could he see how insecure and broken she was in that moment? Was she as pale as she felt? Maybe that was the reason why the special agent sent her a reassuring look and a small smile, silently telling her that it would be okay.

Jane nodded and had just gone back to consciously controlling her breathing when the elevator pinged. Suddenly everyone was quiet, so quiet that you could hear a needle drop if there had been any movement whatsoever.

When the doors opened Jane was surprised to look at someone who looked so normal – except for the eight men from the Secret Service guarding him. The president had black hair that was kept short and already thinning out on his temples. He looked rather young but also wise enough to hold this position when he gazed at them over his glasses.

She returned the favor and watched him intently. Moving in his black suit with the black tie and white dress shirt he could've come straight from a funeral which she supposed was fitting considering how he had gotten his job. His gaze had stopped when he saw her and even though most of her body – and tattoos – where covered up she felt naked and uncomfortable under his eyes.

Thankfully Director Hirst stepped forward and reached out her hand, welcoming him to the New York Office and soon after the important introductions had been made most people scurried away again and only the pivotal part of their team was left and the whole thing got moved into Patterson's lab where they could be undisturbed.

The short way to the lab felt like an eternity today and each step she took felt watched over by the Secret Service, making her anxiety level rise to a new high and her leg feel like jelly underneath her body. Still she made it to the lab without incidents and immediately felt herself calm down when the doors fell shut behind them. At least this way not everyone would be able to listen.

Patterson led the way to the desk and the monitors she had arranged around it who all seemed cleaner than Jane had ever seen them. The blonde who was completely in her element seemed to be more nervous than usual and when she looked around, Jane could see the same look of uncertainty on everyone else as well.

"Mr. President" Patterson started, taking her controlling tablet into her shaking hands "This is where we usually work from. We have put all our data on the Sandstorm file on here for you to see and we already prepared a copy for you as well."

The man who was standing further away than he had been from his bodyguards since he had stepped out of the elevator, nodded "I believe Nas Kamal from the NSA was part of your team as well?" he looked around and again Jane felt as if he let his gaze linger on her a little longer than on anyone else "I thought she would be here as well."

"Yes" the blonde agreed with a wary smile "That- uh-"

Just then the doors fell open once more and Nas Kamal stepped inside, a heavy bag on her shoulder and a big folder in her hands "I'm sorry for the delay" she said, stepping over to the desk first to free her hands before extending her right hand to the president "My name is Nas Kamal. You must be President Pierce."

"Yes" the president shook her hand firmly, his eyes untelling but she didn't even seem to notice, already turning to her bag and pulling out her laptop as well as another folder.

"So" she started once she had set everything up and had quickly conversed with Patterson, connecting her laptop with the bigger screen "I assume you want to start at the beginning."

The man in the black suit nodded "That would be roughly two years ago, when Ms. Doe had been found in Time Square?"

"Actually" Nas pulled up the picture and newspaper articles she had shown the team early on in their shared investigation "We've known them longer than that." And with that she started explaining about her suspicion of a bigger terrorist organization that was responsible for many smaller attacks and how her source had confirmed her as much and told her about Jane's appearance in Time Square beforehand.

"You had been told about a key member of the organization being dropped off in Time Square and you didn't think to notify the FBI?" the president wanted to know incredulously, sounding like a normal person for once, while he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"No" she denied "We had been told that something major would happen and when it did, well, we had our eyes on Jane since then and watched her, hoping for someone from Sandstorm to take up communication."

With that Nas took a step back and let everyone else step forward to tell their story. They did – everyone except for Jane whose eyes were currently glued to the screen in front of her that was showing a picture of her tattoos.

Kurt started "After Jane had been found in Time Square they called the FBI as suggested on the bag and I got called back from a mission we had just finished because she had my name on her back" he pointed to the most dominant tattoo on her body on the screen "I didn't recognize her and she didn't have any memories due to an experimental drug we had found in her system."

"ZIP, right?" the president quipped in, having obviously done his homework before coming here.

"Yes, ZIP" Patterson nodded and pulled up the chemical formula, explaining how no one had ever seen it being used in such a high dosage and that they hadn't known whether or not she would be able to regain memories at all.

Samuel Pierce nodded his head slightly, silently listening to the explanation. When the blonde was done, he looked at Jane again "But you have been able to recover memories I heard. Is that right?"

She could do nothing but stare back at him, unable to form words when she could hear the voice in her head calling her a traitor and murderer once more and she could see some of her recovered memories in front of her eyes, blurring into one another and leaving her breathless. Thankfully Reade stepped in when he saw that she wouldn't answer any time soon and Kurt took a step closer to her, not touching but close enough to comfort her nonetheless.

"Jane has been able to recover some memories but it took a lot of time" Reade explained to the president "We found out pretty soon that she was a force of nature and that being in the field with us made it easier for her to remember certain things from her life before the memory wipe especially because her muscle memory was still intact. She could do everything from speaking a rare Chinese language over close combat fighting to shooting every gun in our armory."

"I believe you made Ms. Doe here part of your team, right?" the president asked "Why exactly did you think it was a good idea to give someone with no recollection of her former life but scarily accurate fighting skills FBI weapons?"

This time Tasha took a step forward and she looked like she was doing everything in her power to stop herself from glaring at the most powerful man on this planet. "Because she was an incredibly valuable asset and because it made our team stronger to have her as a member."

"And you all thought like that from day one?" he gave back, unbelieving.

Suddenly Jane saw Reade's mistrustful gaze before her eyes and Tasha watching her interact with Kurt and Kurt… he still looked at her like that sometimes, as if he didn't know her but still understood her more than she understood herself.

"Of course not" Patterson quipped in "But she proved herself to us over and over again."

"Until Oscar showed up." Nas pulled up a picture of the man Jane had drawn for them and she could feel her blood freeze when she saw his face. She had drawn him with the small smile he had always shown her but his eyes… she had drawn them as empty and cold as she had last remembered seeing him. Dead. In her arms.

 _Murderer._

"After about half a year Sandstorm finally approached her after Tom Carter, former director of the CIA, had abducted her to question her at an illegal black site." If the existence of those illegal sites was news to the president he didn't let it show but simply kept on listening. "They probably would've waited longer to see if the team would continue following her tattoos but were forced to save her when it came to it."

"Did he tell her what she was part of?"

"Yes. And no" Nas said "He told her that she had done this to herself and that she was part of some organization but didn't further specify what kind of organization. Of course, Jane only told us about all of that later."

Tasha glared at her and Jane was surprised when she heard her say the words that she would've expected anyone else to say "Because she was trying to protect us. And Weller. That Oscar guy" she waved her hand towards the picture "Threatened us and that's the only reason why she did what she did. Should she have told us? Of course" that sounded more sad than anything and Jane had to swallow her self- hatred once more.

 _Liar._

"But we were the only people she knew and she didn't want to risk our lives." Tasha crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared ahead unblinking, supported by several nodding heads behind her.

For the first time Director Hirst stepped in to cool things down "No matter the reasons, it's a fact that it happened and it was through several smaller missions that former Assistant Director Mayfair was framed for Tom Carter's murder."

 _Traitor._

The president simply nodded, obviously having read some sort of file beforehand "Assistant Director Mayfair had been killed by Oscar and Agent Weller" he looked at Kurt "took Ms. Doe into custody after having realized that she wasn't really Taylor Shaw has Sandstorm had made you believe."

Next to her, Jane could see Kurt pressing his lips together tightly and glaring at the floor so he wouldn't glare at the president. She wanted to give him some kind of reassurance but she knew that she couldn't. Not right now with everyone watching them.

Nas answered for him and started explaining how she got into CIA custody – she still suspected the NSA Agent to have had her say in that as well but would never actually voice that out loud. The look the president threw her after she told him that she, Jane, had broken out of the black site in Oregon without any outside help was surprised and maybe even impressed?

She could almost hear his thoughts, wondering how someone as broken as she was could fight the CIA and escape. Jane kept herself from choking out a hollow laugh. Little did he know that no physical pain she had endured in that black site could be worse than the knowledge of being responsible for so many deaths… That was what had broken her. Not the torture. Not even the team's hostility. Not the fact that her family were terrorists.

Her own role in everything was what broke her.

 _Killer. Perpetrator. Spy._

She tuned them out then. She couldn't listen to what happened after her escape. About her being a double agent and about the failed raid on the Sandstorm compound. She didn't want to hear about all the people she killed while she was working for both sides but hadn't belonged to either. She didn't want to see the president's eyes when he looked at her again but this time with hatred in his eyes because she had killed those people.

No matter how often Nas and Kurt and everyone else had told her that she had to do this to obtain her cover – the blood was still on her hands. No matter how often she washed her hands, they were always red but no one but her wanted to see it.

Instead Jane stood there, her gaze fixated on the screen in front of her without really seeing the changing images, and let everyone else talk about her and her family and her actions. She emptied her mind and tried to keep herself as stable as she could, no thoughts of guilt or fear or hatred… she didn't think about anything, just staring straight ahead.

At some point she felt the conversation shift and they didn't seem to be talking about the past anymore but about the future and how they wanted to go ahead and what the president expected and in what way it was possible to achieve. And _finally_ it was over but just as Jane was about to turn around with the rest of her team to leave the room, the president called her back.

"Ms. Doe? Could I speak to you for a second?"

At first she had wanted to deny him and she felt Kurt stiffen next to her as well, but who was she that she could say no to the president?

* * *

"What did you talk about?" Kurt's voice cut through the silence that had dominated the car since they had stepped in.

He was driving but whenever he could allow it, he would try to get a quick look at Jane in the passenger seat who seemed to be concentrating on her MP4 player but without wearing her headphones.

From the corner of his eyes he could see her shrug at the question and he almost wanted to sigh inwardly. He had hated the thought of her talking to the president alone from the first second on but no one had listened to him when he had said it would be a bad idea. It was the president after all and he could talk to anyone whenever he pleased.

And now Jane seemed to be even more drawn into herself than she had been this morning. As a matter of fact he had the feeling that she had managed to pick herself up a little from the deadly mood she had been when they had left for the office and even though it had made him feel helpless not to be with her every second he could, he had texted her that he couldn't pick her up from her counseling and she had texted him whenever she went somewhere and whenever the control freak in him had gotten the better of him, he had risked a quick glance at the security footage and she had always been where she said she would be.

She had even worn gloves in the gym.

That alone had made his heart swell in his chest with love for her. Maybe she was on her way to recovery after all. Maybe his Jane wasn't as lost as she always told him.

Jane still hadn't answered his question and he was about to come up with something else so she would talk to him – he didn't really care what she talked about as long as he could hear her voice – when she asked a question of her own.

"Why did it bother you so much that I showed Reade a song?"

Kurt swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and, for once, kept his eyes fixated on the road ahead of him "It doesn't bother me. It's your choice who you show your songs to."

"It does bother you, though" He could hear her frown without looking at her "I just want to understand what I did wrong."

"You didn't" he sighed "You didn't do anything wrong. Please, Jane, I want you to talk to anyone who makes you feel safe and like you can trust them.."

"I trust you, too. You know that, right?"

Thankful for the red light he quickly glanced over at her, complete sincerity in her eyes. Did he know that she trusted him? He had always thought – since the attack – that she trusted him as much as she trusted anyone, which admittedly wasn't much, and maybe even a little more than the rest. But today… when she had shown Reade the song… Why did it bother him this much?

Was he jealous that she would show something this personal to someone who wasn't him? Yes, he probably was. But he didn't want to be. He didn't want her to think of him first when all he wanted her was to get better… Maybe she wouldn't need him for that...

"I've never shown you any of my songs because I didn't want to bother you." Her soft words pulled him from his thoughts and his heart broke at them.

"You could never bother me" he gave back quietly and found her knee with his right hand, giving it a gently squeeze.

"I know" she replied and Kurt could feel her small warm hand covering his, her fingers entangling themselves with his "But you already spend so much time on me. You feed me, you drive me, you talk to me, you worry for me" she listed and with every key word she would raise their intertwined hands a little and drop them back on her knee. "You even give up your night sleep to keep my nightmares at bay and when I can't sleep you stay up until I finally close my eyes. I know that you always look out for me before you look out for yourself. I see those things, Kurt. And I didn't want to take even more time away from you by showing you some songs that don't mean anything."

His voice felt raw when he finally managed to reply "They mean something to you, so they mean everything to me" he said quietly "You mean everything to me and everything you just said… it's true, I'm doing those things but it's not a waste of time to take care of you. I'm always going to be there for you whenever you need me. I love you, you know that."

For the first time since he had started telling her that, he got some sort of reply. It was a barely visible nod but it was still there. It was still something and it made him hope.

They were quiet for the duration of the drive home but their hands stayed intertwined and the silence didn't seem as overwhelming as it had before. It felt easier for him to concentrate on the road when he felt her soft hand covering his, when he had constant proof that she was still here with him.

* * *

Kurt was just turning the key in the lock, about to swing open the door to their apartment when the door to their left opened and their neighbor stepped outside, clad in a coat and the hat he was always wearing. He was only missing the pipe and the British accent to mark him as Sherlock Holmes.

Kurt greeted him with a friendly smile, as did Jane but when they turned around again he continued.

"I wanted to apologize for the inconvenience the other day" he said with a smile and when they both stared at him in confusion he explained "You know, all that sand? My niece wanted to redecorate our terrarium after my wife gave her a turtle for her birthday who's now living with our animals for the time being" he sighed in fake exasperation but his eyes were still twinkling.

"She helped me carry all that sand upstairs and one of the bags ripped open and spilled its contents everywhere. We cleaned it up as soon as we could but I could see someone had already been outside before we could pick it back up."

Kurt nodded, taking Jane's hand again who seemed like she was frozen in place, staring at the man in front of her and the floor alternately. "It's not a problem. Thank you, though."

Tipping his hat their neighbor waved them goodbye and started climbing down the steps of the staircase.

Turning to Jane Kurt squeezed her hand once more "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" she replied hoarsely. It didn't sound very convincing but he told himself he would talk to her about it once they were inside and he got her something to eat, assuming that she hadn't eaten anything all day long.

* * *

Jane's thoughts were running a mile a minute.

The sand had nothing to do with Sandstorm, it wasn't a hidden message to scare her off. It was just some nice grandpa who had helped his niece with what she wanted and they spilled some sand. _Some_ might be a huge understatement but it was still just sand, nothing to be afraid of. She had simply been paranoid.

It was all paranoia.

Some part of her wanted to sigh with relief, some wanted to laugh in desperation and some wanted to cry because if she couldn't believe her own instincts… what _could_ she believe?

Silently she went through the moves of undressing and washing her hands and sitting down on the couch while Kurt disappeared into the kitchen and soon she could hear him work his magic with the groceries.

She got up again and this time she dropped down on a barstool on the kitchen counter, watching him work. She loved how he moved around in the kitchen like the boss he was. It felt like he belonged into a domestic place like this one, he would be a perfect husband and father one day… It made her smile slightly even though it made her sad as well.

Wanting a future with him didn't mean she would be able to get it. She couldn't even properly tell him that she loved him because she was too broken to admit it… how could they ever stand a chance?

Dropping her gaze to her hands she considered if she could say the three words once more. She had done it before, after all, and there weren't any less true now. But no.. she couldn't bring herself to do it. Maybe she could give him something else, though.

Very deliberately she pulled out her music player from her hoodie again and clicked on the home- button, looking for the playlist she had created when they had sat in the car. Her hand was a little shaky when she clicked on it and found five of her favorite songs yet.

Standing up she walked around the counter slowly until she was standing right behind him and gave him a light tap on the shoulder. Instead of explaining herself, she simply handed him the player and put the headphone on his head with a small smile.

He started at her in disbelief for a little while longer until he got out something "You don't have to."

Jane nodded and pressed play.

"I want to."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N** : So I had some time on my hands today and I'm hoping to finish this story before my semester starts again, so we'll see how fast the updates are gonna come. Thank you for your lovely feedback & as always; Enjoy x

* * *

It had been two weeks since she had tried to leave.

Thirteen days since she had gotten back home and just as long since she had started seeing Doctor Hall.

Eleven Days since they had talked to the president.

Seven days since she had started sleeping in the guest room every so often, to prove to herself that she could.

Three days since Director Hirst had declared her fit for field duty.

A lot had happened in a short span of time, sometimes she still couldn't grasp everything that had changed so suddenly. She remembered breaking down every second of every day as if it was yesterday and still it felt so far away from where she was right now. Had it really only been two weeks?

Of course she wasn't in the same tip top shape she used to be, she was still skinnier than when her new life had begun, also quieter and less immune to setbacks. She wasn't as strong as she'd liked to be, mentally at least, but she was getting there.

When she looked down on her hands now, as she was running on the tread mill, most bruises were fading, leaving her tattooed skin as immaculate as it had been before.

 _Before._

That was before she had been forced to take up help by the people who cared about her but after her life, that had seemed almost normal at that point, had been turned upside down and the guilt had become her constant companion.

Picking up the pace, Jane changed from a slow run to a sprint, enjoying the feeling of her heart pumping in her chest. Her sprint intervals were about one minute each and she repeated it ten times. One minute full speed, thirty seconds slow walking and repeat. It was a monotonous routine but it gave her the opportunity to let her mind wander while her body exercised and nowadays she didn't dread thinking as much.

Sometimes it would happen that her thoughts took one wrong turn and she ended up in a dark hole, unable to pull herself out again, but that was less and less often the case. Doctor Hall said it was because she was learning to control the directions her thoughts took again and wasn't depending on outside stimuli as much anymore.

She wasn't exactly sure what type of outside stimuli she had depended on before but it sounded good when he said it like that and especially when he wrote it down in the fancy recommendation letters he sent to Director Hirst every week.

His testimony of her strengthening mental health had been the critical factor that had gotten her back into field work three days ago.

The first two missions she had been able to join had been declared light missions. They were still looking for any signs of Shepherd, Roman or any other Sandstorm operative and since the president had declared her enemy of the state and made the pictures of her public knowledge there had been a lot of calls with hints to their possible whereabouts.

While most hints could be dismissed as irrelevant after a little research, some weren't as easily pushed aside and had to be followed. They had been sent to warehouses, playgrounds, abandoned buildings, cargo ships and even a library once but up until now none of those places had shown them any signs of who they were actually looking for and Jane was quickly losing her faith in hints from the public.

Once she was done running she stepped off the treadmill and dried some of the sweat on her forehead, neck and arms with her towel. Reveling in the movement she started stretching her arms to warm them up a– she had almost given up on ever swinging her arms or rolling her shoulders again without the familiar pain but it had happened.

Jane watched herself in the mirror as she went through her upper body strength routine and was pleased to watch her muscles work but also that her arms weren't only muscle, bone and tendons. She had put on some weight in the last two week, due to her changed eating habits. Of course Kurt would tell – and was in fact telling – her that it still wasn't enough and she knew that her rips were still too easily visible for her bodyweight to be completely normal but it was a start.

She felt more energized and even her sleeping had improved. Instead of waking from a nightmare thrice every night, she usually only woke once and was able to control her breathing a lot faster. That had been the reason for her to sleep in the guestroom for the first time since she had moved in with him.

* * *

 _Kurt stared at her, uncomprehending, unblinking._

 _"_ _Why would you want to do that? Did I do someth-" he started ranting about that he would do better and never wanted her to feel uncomfortable but she interrupted him._

 _"_ _You don't make me uncomfortable. More like the opposite." she said gently, taking his hand in hers "And that's exactly why I have to do it."_

 _He turned his hand so that he was now holding onto hers and moved his thumb lightly over the honeycomb tattoo on the back of her hand, not saying anything but Jane could see that he was still hurt and didn't understand her point of view._

 _"_ _I feel comfortable with you and that's why I can sleep but I need to learn to sleep without you guarding me at some point. I can't depend on you to fall asleep for the rest of my life" she explained._

 _Cocking his head, his voice raw, he replied "Why not?"_

 _Because you will grow tired of me and I need to prepare myself for that day, otherwise it is going to kill me. It was the truth but she didn't say it, she knew what he would have to say about that – they had been running around in those circles far longer than she could remember._

 _Instead she told him how Doctor Hall had told her to take more responsibility for her own actions and wellbeing and that she needed to be able to trust herself again if she wanted to go forward and after a while he agreed._

* * *

Grudgingly he had let her move into the guestroom that night and it had been an awful one. She hadn't been able to fall asleep for two hours and when she had finally drifted off she had found herself on a stormy sea on a huge boat that seemed to consist only of doors and behind each door she opened there had been someone who wanted to go after her and she had run until all of them banded together against her and suddenly she had been shaken awake by Kurt whose strong arms encircled her then, soothing her back to sleep.

Fortunately, the following nights had been, if not good, at least better and it had become part of their routine, though a part that neither of them liked. Hadn't she wanted to get back her independence, Jane would've caved, but as it was she was set in her ways that she would get through this. And was that will to fight not an improvement in itself?

It was and she knew it as well as he did. She already _felt_ better and she wanted to get to a point where she could honestly say that she was fine. She had even taken up drawing again, though, she usually didn't draw the worst things on her mind just in case Kurt would take a quick glance at her. It worked, though, it helped keeping her mind at ease and occupied with the drawing of the sketch instead of the meaning behind it.

The music helped, too, even more so when she shared it with Kurt – not because of the act itself but because his eyes always lit up when she approached him with the player and handed him the headphones, and she lived for those moments. She found herself listening to more and more songs, wondering which one she could show him to see him smile like that again.

Sometimes her life felt like it was going in the right direction and as if she would actually get better some day and that she wasn't only the traitor and murderer her mind made her out to be but there was always one thing nagging at her. The conversation she had had with the president...

His words rang in her ears like it had been yesterday and not almost two weeks ago, they followed her everywhere much like her paranoia had.

 _I want you to know that I don't blame you._

She had been surprised at his words at first, not having expected them after he had watched her that intently before.

 _I trust that you are on our side, which is why I know you'll help me with one thing, right?_

Of course, she had nodded. She would do anything to redeem herself if that was even possible. She wanted to keep everyone else safe and she wanted all of this to stop. Still… she hadn't expected what he wanted from her… what he had ordered her to do.

 _If – or as I believe; when – Shepherd or any other Sandstorm operative contacts you, I want you to tell me._

She had told him that she would tell her team right away should something come up but that wasn't what he had wanted.

 _Not your team or Director Hirst. I want you to inform me personally or Nas Kamal, I trust her to make the right decision._

Just like that he had buried any hope for a clean slate she might've had. If she would contact him to stop Shepherd she would have to lie to her team… to _Kurt_ … and she didn't see their relationship or whatever it was they were having survive another lie, especially one as big as this one.

Would Nas make her go undercover again? Would she use her as bait?

She had been asking herself these questions since she had gotten out of that small office but up until now she didn't have an answer. There hadn't been any attempt at contacting her either, which – with each day passing – made her feel calmer. Until it came to that – if it came to that – she would make sure to get her body and mind in the best shape possible. She didn't want to be vulnerable when it counted.

As she was finishing her last set of chest press, she heard her phone bing with a new message. It was Patterson, summoning them to her lab – there was a new lead.

* * *

"We got another anonymous tip just an hour ago" the blonde starting talking as soon as everyone had stepped into her lab and motioned for them to come closer to the screen.

Typing a few commands into her tablet she played a recording of a somewhat distorted voice. "Whoever did this with their voice was a pro" she explained, looking up at them. "You see, normally when someone uses a software to change their voice you can still get to the original voice by rewinding the changes. There are tons of apps out there who do this and if we wouldn't be able to track all those voices back... well" she threw them a pointed look "All those teenage kids could announce mass murder and we wouldn't even know who to look for and believe me, teenage kids should not-"

"Patterson?"

"Right" she nodded towards Weller who was glaring at her in exasperation, his arms crossed in front of his chest, expecting actual information "So, I've tried every software we have to rewind this process and, well, all the results I'm getting are more or less ridiculous but all of them are definitely wrong. So, I'm guessing our guy used a program he has written himself."

Tasha cocked her head to one side, amused at her friend's obvious disappointment at a stroke of genius like that "So what does that make this tip? Is it reliable?"

"That depends on your point of view" Patterson shrugged "Do you find people who untraceably distort their voice to leave an anonymous tip reliable? Some might say they're not. Others might say that's a lot of trouble to go through if there isn't _something_ there."

"It might as well be a trap" Reade quipped in, frowning at the message "Or not even meant for us."

"Please" Patterson rolled her eyes and pointed to the message she had written next to the voice recording " _Time Square. Today 1:25pm. Bring Jane Doe_. Who else was this supposed to be meant for?"

Kurt took a step forward "It could still be a trap. Telling us to bring Jane... maybe they have something planned to finish her off once and for all after she didn't die in the attack as they had planned her to."

"No one has tried to kill me, yet" Jane pointed out from behind him and could practically hear his voice in her head when he glared at her, telling her something like _Well, except for yourself_ but he didn't say it out loud and she took a step forward. "It's as good a lead as any we've followed so far. We could check it out – either there's someone there or there isn't."

Tasha nodded in agreement "This doesn't tell us where to look on Time Square, though. It's not a very specific address."

"That's been bothering me as well" Patterson acquiesced thoughtfully "Why is the time so accurate but the place isn't?"

"Because they just want us to be there because it's a trap" Reade repeated "Seriously, this has trap written all over it and we're still thinking about doing it?" He looked to Kurt for support who was still staring at the screen in front of them.

"Maybe it's about an ad" he said finally, earning himself a confused look from Tasha and Reade, a blank stare from Jane and an excited squeal from Patterson.

"That's it!" she exclaimed typing in a few commands, barely looking up "I mean it's a rather expensive way to send a message but it could be possible. Ah shoot."

"What?"

"I thought maybe they had their ads queued and I could access them remotely" the blonde explained, trying out a few different things "But apparently they have their own software that can't be hacked from outside."

She glanced down at her watch "Well, you still have about 45 minutes. I think that's the fastest way to get an answer."

Jane frowned "Shouldn't we like evacuate the square – just in case?"

Biting her lip Patterson shook her head "First of all, we can't evacuate Time Square that fast, secondly we don't have probable cause to give the judge or police and thirdly" she held out the third finger "We're not even one hundred percent certain that it's about an ad. It might as well be something or someone else who's there and maybe we'll scare them off with an action like that."

Tasha stood with her hands on her hips. "Are we going, or what?"

Slowly Kurt nodded, looking up at his team's expectant faces "We'll go there, armed and with vests, and we'll see if we can find anything that could be helpful."

They really were desperate for any clue at the moment so they geared up, with vests and their handguns in their holsters and were soon on their way to Time Square, trying to get there before 1:25pm to see if anything major would change.

Jane looked around the open space with all the billboards and ads blinking down at her, seeming to never really stand still.

She had been here three times that she could remember. The first being when she got out of that bag, scared, alone, naked and completely lost. It still made her shiver when she thought back to it.. she couldn't even grasp the thought of not having any memories anymore, it seemed like a different life time.

The second and third time she had come here on a day off when she hadn't been able to stay hauled up in her safe house much longer or when she had sneaked past her security detail. Those times seemed to be forever ago as well and since then she hadn't been back, never really had had the time. It seemed to her that that was true for Kurt as well.

1:24pm.

Everyone hustled past them as fast as they could except for some tourists who were taking pictures of everything. There were street artists and food stands in all kinds of variations. There were ads, of course, but nothing in particular that attracted their attention.

1:25pm.

They focused on the ads and some did change… but then again the ads were changing all the time. Looking around, hoping that something might catch her eye Jane turned on the spot, hands on her gun just in case. Tasha and Reade were joking about something but she cut them out and concentrated on the rest of the scene.

That's when she saw it.

One of the smaller ads that had changed now presented a white screen. It looked like a crumbled piece of paper that had been scanned after years of being carried around in the pocket of one's pants or a purse. What had drawn her attention, though, was not the white paper but the pencil drawing on it. It was a sketch of a big old tree, standing alone in the middle of the white landscape.

But there was something else… something that bothered her but she couldn't grasp. Until she realized that the drawing looked like one of hers… it was her style. The same way she would scribble down something in a hurry but still as accurately as possible.

Her head was spinning. She had drawn this.

* * *

 _She was just finishing of the last few strokes on the tree's bark when he stepped into her personal space. "I'm almost done" she said quietly and her brother sat down next to her without saying a word._

 _Looking up at him she could see the fear in his eyes. For some reason the scarred side of his face always seemed so much more afraid – because it had already been hurt so much? She didn't know and she didn't have the time to wonder about it now._

 _"_ _Done."_

 _Putting the pencil away she blew softly over the paper to blow away the last dust the pencil had left before taking the picture, folding it two times and handing it to Roman._

 _"_ _Should we lose each other, we'll meet there, okay?" she said, dropping down from the chair to sit on the floor in front of him, taking his hands in hers "We've been there before but keep this with you at all times so you can find the right tree should you forget, okay?"_

 _"_ _You don't need a picture?"_

 _"_ _I've got mine right here" she tipped her temple and squeezed his hand "I promise, I'll find the way."_

 _Roman nodded but grasped her hands when she wanted to pull away "What if she finds out?" he whispered like the scared little boy he was but never let anyone but her see._

 _"_ _She won't" she whispered back, pulling at his hands and him in a hug, pressing him as close to her chest as she could "She's too self- centered to think we wouldn't obey." And she might have talked to one of the servants to help them escape._

 _She pulled away again only to look him in the eyes, repeating her words intently "Should you lose me, you stay in hiding and at 11pm on every evening that you're not with me, I will come to this specific oak and I'll find you, okay?"_

 _Again he nodded and she breathed out a sigh of relief. It wasn't like she didn't trust Roman to follow instructions – specifically her instructions – but sometimes he tended to be a little hotheaded._

 _"_ _We're going to be fine."_

* * *

Only that they hadn't been. She remembered now. Shepherd finding out about their planned escape and her – Remi – suffering the consequences for their disobedience. At least she hadn't hurt Roman.

Jane could feel Remi's suffering as if it was her own but it wasn't the physical pain that hurt the most, it was Roman's eyes in front of her closed ones when they had been caught, the complete hopelessness when he had realized that they were going to be spending the rest of their lives with this woman who had just captured them red-handed.

The little boy who had been so scared but had trusted her to know better. And she had failed him.

Slowly she let out the breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding and tried to sort out her thoughts with this new piece of information.

She knew what this message meant and she knew what she had to do. But did that mean that Roman had told Shepherd about their secret hiding place? He had never done that… it had always been theirs – _well his and Remi's_ – had she really lost her brother completely?

"Jane? Jane!"

The sound of her name being called out brought her back to reality

"Yes?" She still felt groggy but she tried not to let it show. Looking around she saw that the screen had already changed again, a women's shaving ad had taking it's place and she stared at it dumbfounded.

"Did you see anything that might be of help?" Tasha asked her, looking her over in worry. "It's 1:30 now and no one's come out yet. Maybe it really was a shot in the dark."

The Latina seemed so disappointed and tired all of the sudden and Jane would've done anything to give her some small piece of hope. Anything but risk their lives. She wouldn't risk her team or let anyone else risk them. So she smiled sadly and shook her head.

"Nothing that seemed worth noticing."

She knew what she had to do and where she had to go and she would do it – to save the people who meant the world to her and to end this terror Shepherd had created. But she wouldn't tell anyone. Not some president and definitely not some Nas Kamal. She would do it on her own terms.

It was that determination to finally bring an end to this that helped her make it through the day, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary, as if she was as fine or not fine as she had been the days before that. Pretending wasn't easy, especially not with Kurt but somehow she made it to the end of the day and went through the motions of getting home and eating and watching TV with him.

At 10 pm sharp she took her music player and stood up to wish Kurt a good night. He still didn't like it when she slept in the guestroom, she knew that even when he didn't say it, but he had come to terms with it and simply hugged her, gave her a kiss to the forehead and told her that he loved her.

Today it almost made her cry and she almost said those words back at him – out of fear that she won't ever get the opportunity again – but then he would know that something was wrong and she couldn't have that. So she nodded as usual and leaned into his embrace before turning around and getting ready for bed.

Only that she wasn't. She was putting on a black sweater and jeans and checking her gun. She had taken it with her from the office today after they had gotten back from Time Square – it had been easier than she had anticipated.

Next to it she lay her knife – a butterfly knife, one of her few personal belongings – and then she waited for Kurt to get ready too. He usually waited until he heard her settle down in her room before he started heading to his own room for the night. In the first few nights he had checked on her every two hours but the last two nights he had trusted her enough to come to him for help. Or trusted his own ears that he would hear her scream anyway.

When the apartment settled into silence she waited another ten minutes before slipping out of bed and making her way outside. She climbed out of the window as quietly as possible and made it to the window leading to the stairwell that she had opened when they had gotten home. Luckily it was still open when she reached it moving hand over hand, hoping that Kurt wouldn't decide to open his window in this moment. He didn't and soon she was on the staircase and quietly sprinted down the remaining steps.

It didn't take her long to find the place with the old oak, even though it had changed some, it still looked close to what she had remembered. At 10:57pm she got there and tried to make out someone or something in the dark. There was no one there, so she waited, constantly ready for battle with her hand clasped around the knife.

She waited for almost half an hour, unmoving, on hyper-alert but there was nothing.

With each minute passing the sinking feeling in her stomach intensified. Maybe she had misread the message. Maybe she had been paranoid again? Maybe there was nothing here or it was a trap?

Suddenly her phone rang and she flinched at the sudden vibration in her pocket. Pulling it out and checking the caller ID she felt even worse. It was Kurt.

"I can explain" she said into her phone as soon as she had taken the call but the answer she got wasn't what she had expected in the slightest.

"Oh, I'd be delighted to hear your explanation."

Shepherd's voice rang through the speaker.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N** : Sorry for the delay! My laptop died and I'm only able to get this done now because my brother has given me his laptop for the time being. Also I didn't have time to proof read because today was kind of crazy and the whole week is probably going to be the same. Bear with me. As always thanks for your kind words & enjoy :)

* * *

Jane was too stunned to reply to her adoptive mother, the head of the terrorist organization that had destroyed her life. She stood there, the phone pressed to her ear and her heart thumping so loudly she was afraid that the woman on the other end of the line would hear it too. If she did, she didn't let it on.

Instead Shepherd sounded delighted and it was a wonder she didn't giggle like a school girl when she kept talking. "It's a great plan, isn't it? And I can't even take the credit for it" Jane could hear her chuckling into the phone "It was all Roman's idea" she declared proudly and Jane wanted to puke "How does that feel?"

Finally she had found her voice again. "What did you do to Kurt?" Her mind was reeling with all the possible scenarios of Shepherd threatening his life… maybe they had already killed him… But why bother calling then? No, he had to be still alive. _He had to be okay_. She had to concentrate on the monster who was currently in charge of his phone to find out.

"Frankly, I haven't hurt a hair on his pretty head… yet" there was a smile in her voice and Jane could picture her walking around the apartment with relish, invading their personal space like it meant nothing to her – which it probably didn't. Where they still in their apartment? Shepherd was still talking but Jane's thoughts were so loud she almost missed her last words.

"You, on the other hand, seem to have dragged him through hell. That poor boy…" she trailed off and suddenly there was a background noise she hadn't heard before – sounds of a struggle. _Kurt_. He was alive. "He seems to disagree."

And then her voice was growing fainter all of the sudden as if she was leaning away from the phone to talk to someone else – presumably Kurt – "Do you love her?"

Silence. Then: "You fool" and a shallow laugh.

"What do you want?" Jane choked out, clinging to the phone like a life line.

Shepherd's voice grew serious "I want my daughter back."

Shaking her head, anger rising in her chest, Jane spit back "I'm _not_ -" But she didn't get very far.

"But I'm not one to be delusional. Since she's gone, her cheap copy will have to do."

She stayed quiet, trying to think of a way to negotiate but she came up blank, her mind circling back to Kurt every turn she took and it wasn't helping her figuring any of this out. "What do you want with me?" she asked then but really, it didn't matter. If it meant Kurt would be safe she would give herself to Shepherd. _She_ didn't matter.

"I want to kill you, _Jane_ " sounded Shepherd's voice sweetly over the telephone "You have to understand that we can't have someone running around who's ill-disposed towards our case with the possibility of remembering more of our plans."

How could this not be over? How could there still be more? Hadn't the world suffered enough? Hadn't they done their deal in proving that everything in their government had been corrupt? Hadn't it been enough to scare those people they pretended they were fighting for?

Jane didn't even realize that she had said all of that out loud until the woman on the other end started to chuckle "This is far from being over" she replied with ease, as if citing a shopping-list "And after you have done your part in our plans _almost_ perfectly, you have now become a liability."

Was that what she was? To Shepherd as well as the FBI? A liability? She decided she didn't care, as long as she got Kurt out of her clutches first. Again she heard faint noises of a struggle and pressed the phone closer to her ear– if that was even possible – to hear what was being said.

"Don't hurt our prisoner!" Shepherd's domineering voice rang in her ear far louder than she had anticipated. "We need him as leverage for that sweet sister of yours."

She couldn't hear what was being said after that but it got quieter and she could all but imagine Roman stepping back, his head bowed as it always was when he followed Shepherd's order. The only time he hadn't done it, had been when he had followed hers, Jane's… It seemed like he would be doomed to follow orders for the rest of his life. Still, he had betrayed her, left her and tried to kill her, she couldn't let him get too close to her.

"Now, are you woman enough to sacrifice your life for this fool that you claim you love?"

Jane didn't have time to reply before Shepherd rattled off an address and cut the connection. Stunned she stared straight ahead, the phone still on her ear.

What was she supposed to do?

As she made her way back to the apartment she felt her whole world falling apart at the seams and the only thing keeping her going, the only thing she was clinging to, was the thought of Kurt being used as leverage to get to her. It was like her worst nightmare come true.

She basically ran back to the flat and got there in no time. When she pulled the door open she could see the signs of a struggle they had left. Clearing her mind she tried to look for anything out of the ordinary and anything that might give her a clue as to how good they were prepared – very good, probably – and what they had taken.

Jane looked into Kurt's bedroom first, looking for the gun he kept hidden in the closet but still in reach should he ever need it. It was gone.

Slowly she went on, roaming every inch of the apartment.

They had to have taken him in somewhere on his way to the guestroom, where he had undoubtedly had wanted to check on her. Some picture frames had been knocked down in the struggle and were now lying face down or splintered on the floor. Tentatively she picked them up, to see if there was any blood under them. To her relief there wasn't. Nowhere in this apartment was the hint of any blood which made her wonder how exactly they had obtained him.

She knew Roman to be strong, maybe stronger than Weller and definitely more ruthless than the FBI agent but still, gaining the upper hand on a Kurt Weller who wasn't only fighting for himself with no bloodshed whatsoever seemed unlikely. Looking around she found what she had suspected – an empty cannula that looked suspiciously like something that used to be filled with tranquillizer. Once again she felt her heart sink.

Having completed her search through the apartment she dropped down on one of the barstools, closing her eyes, trying to imagine how the attack would have to have taken place. She could picture Kurt jumping awake at the faintest noise, throwing on a T-Shirt – if even – over his pajama shorts to go check on her. Shepherd and Roman would had to had taken cover somewhere so he only saw them when it was already too late – when he had almost reached the door that lead to her.

Opening her eyes she let them travel through the apartment once more. His shoes were gone but his jeans from the day before had still been on the chair beside his wardrobe so she suspected he was only clad in his pajama.

She had to get moving.

Pulling out her phone she typed in the address that had been on her mind since Shepherd had uttered the words and looked for the surroundings and the hall she suspected with Google Street View.

Of course, Patterson would've had pictures of the scene that were a lot more accurate but Jane had decided against going her team for help. Shepherd wanted her and she wanted to get Kurt to safety. Should Shepherd have her… she didn't care. She wouldn't put Kurt's life on the line for her own and she knew that Reade, Zapata and Patterson would try to find another way. But there wasn't one and she didn't have any more time to lose.

Pulling up the image on the map she frowned. It was an old fabric hall like so many they had been in looking for suspects but something was different about this one. Turning the picture on the screen with her fingers she suddenly knew why. She remembered the place. Suddenly her mind was filled with bits and pieces of memories of that hall.

Flashbacks to former Sandstorm gatherings that had been deemed too unimportant to resurface but that came back to her now. Never in her life had she been happier to get some of Remi's memories back.

Shepherd and Roman might've chosen this site because they knew the surroundings and could use them to their advantage but now she did too – partly at least – and she would make the most out of everything she had. She knew exactly which way to take that they wouldn't suspect. Remi had always been to places where she shouldn't have been and the knowledge she had gathered was _Jane's_ asset now.

One last time she wandered through the apartment that seemed too empty without its owner, gathering a few things she needed to make her plan work before grabbing the keys to Kurt's car from the sideboard and heading out.

Jane had already been dressed for battle, in all black with her gun and the knife and she could walk so quietly that no one would hear her coming, her clothing disguising her in the black of night.

Before starting the engine, she pulled out her phone once more, typing two quick messages and – with a deep breath – pressed _send_.

Two messages to two different numbers.

One containing a wrong address, the other delivering the correct one.

Nas's reply made her phone chime up before she had time to put it away again. She scanned the text and smiled grimly, taking out the battery and throwing her phone into the back of the SUV. She couldn't have anyone knowing where she was just then.

* * *

Slowly Kurt regained consciousness. Once his mind started waking up he realized that his arms and legs had been pulled apart, tightly fastened by what seemed to be rope at first gut instinct. Bit by bit he tried moving each extremity only to realize that the knots and the rope were both rather strong.

Another thing he noticed was that he was fixated to some sort of board but was standing – as far as you could call it standing when neither of his feet touched the ground. Trying to take all of this information in before his capturers realized that he was awake, he tried listening but could only hear quiet whispers that he couldn't understand.

Finally, when nothing more could be gained with his eyes closed, he opened them.

Looking to both sides he realized that his head was the only part of him that didn't seem to be restraint. He could now see the wooden panel he had been tied to and tried wiggling against the restraints that were a thick kind of rope, just as he had expected. He had no luck with that, he could barely loosen the fetter around his ankles and wrists.

"Ah, he's awake!"

Suddenly he heard Shepherd's voice and looked straight ahead to find her sauntering towards him without a care in the world and he had to blink against the dazzling white light that seemed to come from a light source behind the woman. Once his eyes got used to the brightness he could make out Roman as well who fell in line behind Shepherd like the good little soldier he was, a mean twinkle in his eyes, his mouth formed to a straight line.

"We didn't want to sedate you, Kurt" Shepherd explained with a smile and again he tried fighting against the rope, trying to attack her but all he did was cut his wrists with it. "That's exactly why" the woman continued with a sigh "You keep fighting us, even though, we helped you clean out the government you're serving. You're one of the good guys, we know and appreciate that. Why do you have to make it so hard for us?"

"Maybe because you killed a _thousand_ innocent people without hesitating and obviously without any remorse" he spat, spitting out in front of her.

Before he could even blink, Roman had a knife pulled out, took two steps toward him and held said knife to his throat. The other man was staring him down, but Kurt wouldn't let him. Unblinking he stared back into the scarred face, wondering where it had all gone so wrong. It was his fault that Jane lied to him and he wanted to tell him that but something told him that nothing would get through to him.

"Roman, step back, he can't come at us."

Bowing his head Roman lowered the weapon and took a step back from their prisoner, still standing closer than he had been before, watching him.

Kurt watched as Shepherd motioned for him to follow her to some table 7 feet away and they started discussing something he couldn't understand. The only thing he did understand was a name and it made the blood in his veins boil.

"Leave her alone" he yelled at them, once more trying to make some progress with the restraints – with sinking hopes "Leave Jane alone, let me rot here – I don't care – But let her-"

Roman moved too quick for him to see but suddenly he felt a breath of air and a knife had been plunged into the wood he was cuffed to, only 6 inch from where his head had just been. Looking up he realized that Roman was holding five similar knives up, grinning at him.

Shepherd watched the two of them and shrugged at Kurt, who was beginning to fear for both his and Jane's life. "He does that sometimes when he's bored, to stay sharp" she explained with a wave of her hand "You should be glad that my son enjoyed such excellent training."

With that the next knife hit a space somewhere on his right side but he couldn't move his head enough to see where.

He really hoped Jane wouldn't do anything stupid.

* * *

Jane was crawling through the ventilation system of the building, trying to make as little noise as she possibly could. She had gotten inside through a secret emergency exit that she had remembered Remi and Oscar using every once in a while to get away from the crowd.

Those memories had felt improbably happy considering her reason for using it now. She wasn't sneaking away with her fiancée. No, she was trying to save the man she loved from the woman she had once, in another life, called mother that had gone crazy.

Still, for the first time in a while she didn't have enough time on her hands to feel the guilt overwhelm her. She knew that this was only happening because of her, that Kurt was in danger because of her but she couldn't just wallow in self- pity, not when she had the power to get him to safety. If it was the last thing she did in this life.

In grim determination she continued her path through the pipes, holding still occasionally to try to listen for sounds. She had an approximate idea on where they could be but she couldn't be careful enough with Shepherd, especially not if Kurt's life was at risk.

After a while – she was in the heart of the building already – she started hearing noises. They came rather frequent and sounded like a _Klong_.

 _Klong. Klong. Klong._

As if two hard surfaces would collide every time she heard the sound. She kept on inching her way towards the noises when the repetitive nature of it was disrupted by a scream. A very deep voice screaming in pain.

 _Kurt._

She couldn't really be sure, she knew that realistically, but she _knew_ it was Kurt. Picking up her pace she tried to move through the ventilation systems as fast as humanly possible, not caring for the way her long-sleeved shirt got ripped open at the elbows, and how her skin scratched over the hard surface.

Turning another corner, the sounds were everywhere now – she must be close.

Jane managed to find a cover panel that should be outside of view and earshot from the scene and had just kicked it open to get out when it got quiet all of the sudden and after the short moment, more noises reached her ears, including hits and curses that sounded like a battle.

She came to a halt for a second, listening for more information, then tried to get out of the pipe as fast as she could – cursing when he shirt got stuck on a sharp edge but pulling it free with all her might, thankful for her regained strength. Her mind was somewhere else entirely, though.

 _Just please, don't let me be too late._

* * *

Kurt had managed to get his hand free after Roman had hit the wooden board he was restrained too a little too close to his wrist once. He felt blood run down his right arm where the knife had cut into his skin and the slash was burning but he wouldn't let it on. Because now he could move the hand and he knew that with a forceful pull he could pull away from the rope, he was just waiting his time.

Shepherd had barked at Roman to be more careful after Kurt had screamed in pain at the impact and so the scarred man was currently keeping the knives a little further away from him but he wasn't concentrating on it anyway. He knew they had to keep him alive at least until Jane got here and he was going to use this sort of safety to hopefully get free before she got here.

That she would get here, of that he had no doubt. This amazingly stubborn, selfless, broken woman would move heaven and earth to get him to safety. _She loved him_.

It was the only part of the voice note she had left two weeks prior he let himself remember. Her soft, broken voice, crying, telling him that she loved him. It made him hold onto her that much tighter and he was going to fight that much harder.

Slowly he had managed to loosen the rope around his right ankle as well, not looking down on it when he tried moving the leg back and forth, leaving a faint bloody line on his skin. But it was working. He could pull out his foot now when given the chance and he would make sure that he would get his chance.

He waited his time, playing the role he had chosen perfectly. He kept teasing Roman, trying to let him drop his guard because he knew the other men's strengths and weaknesses, they had studied him a lot – hell, he had trained with him. Roman was a deadly killing machine, efficient and cold as long as there were no emotions in there.

As soon as anger took over him, even Shepherd had difficulty to make him obey and he was counting on that. Yes, he would be even more dangerous but he would also be thinking a lot straighter, not ahead of time and he would use that for his own good.

It had to be now.

Roman had just finished throwing his knives again and stepped closer to Kurt to collect them, to throw them again, his face turned to Shepherd who was getting impatient because Jane still hadn't shown up. _Smart girl_.

When Roman was within his reach, Kurt leaped forward, pulling out his right leg from the restraint and kicked a very surprised looking Roman in the shin. Simultaneously he pulled at his right arm and grabbed one of the knives close to it, using it to slash the rope on his left wrist. He had the knife in his right hand and with his left he was still holding on to the rope, trying to keep himself upright as good as he could until he could free his left leg.

Roman, who had stumbled backwards, was now coming on to him again, his face a angry grimace, baring his teeth like an animal.

Kurt tried to use his right arm to elbow him in the face but the other men was smarter without the restraints and managed to dug from the blow, leaving Kurt hanging by the threat and kicking him in his unprotected left side instead.

He cried out a curse while he tried to hold on with his left hand but he could already feel his fingers losing the grip on the rope and with a loud _thud_ he falls to the floor, leaving his left leg in an awkward position with the ankle still fixated. He could hear his joint make an unhealthy noise when he leaped forward to slash that rope as well and finally all limbs were free.

Suddenly Roman was towering over him, he hadn't kept track on him when the pain in his left leg had taken over all of his thoughts for a moment. The other man kicked him in the stomach and Kurt, still clutching the knife to his chest, couldn't raise his body enough to effectively fend off the attacks because he couldn't put pressure on his right ankle.

Cursing he pulled himself as close together as he could, providing as little target as he possibly could, protecting his stomach.

Looking up he saw Roman who was still standing over him, glowering at him from above, a playful twinkle in his eyes and in that exact moment Kurt knew, that the scarred man wanted to kill him. There was no friendship or loyalty or even human trait left in the man that could save him.

"Roman! Stop the kindergarten!" The sound of Shepherd's voice made him flinch but he knew with a sad certainty that she had just saved his life – for now, anyways. Roman didn't step down immediately but it only took him two seconds to bow his head in obedience, taking a step away from Kurt.

"You've had enough fun, Assistant Director" the woman said in his direction with a scowl "Secure the prisoner, Roman."

The other man was about to take a step towards him again, already squatting down to pull him, Kurt, up again when suddenly there was another noise directly in front of them. Kurt could see her first, all clad in black, the black curls flying in all directions and the gun pointed straight at her brother's chest.

"I don't think so" she said calmly "Step away from him."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N** : Sorry (again) for the delay but I'm going to try to finish this some time this week. Feedback would be appreciated, especially regarding the fight scene. But now, enjoy this! x

Jane stared straight ahead, the gun in her hand firmly pointed at her brother, a cold certainty taking over her heart. She had eyes. She could see what had been going on before she stepped forward and she knew that Roman wanted to kill Kurt. She could see it in his eyes that had flown up to meet her gaze while he straightened up, to be at her level again.

Roman used to be the person she trusted the most – in all her three lives, he had always been there, he knew her. They were the same and always had been, at least that was what she had always believed, but now she wasn't so sure anymore.

Would she be able to kill someone who had done nothing but fight against the evil of the world? Or was it all a matter of perspective anyway? She had long ago given up on defining wrong and right as straightforward as Tasha did – she had learned that there were always grey areas to be considered. But this?

What she had seen her brother do was pure evil.

Was she evil? When they were the same and always had been? Or had she really changed?

She tried looking for something in his eyes that could redeem him but his stare was blank with underlying fury. There was no recognition there, no feelings whatsoever for their shared pasts or even a hint of hesitation. He hated her and he would throw the knife he was currently holding at her without a second thought – the moment he got the order.

Slowly Shepherd turned around but Jane watched her only from the corner of her eye, her gaze still trained on the two men in front of her who had gone completely still.

With a snarl the other woman crossed her arms in front of her chest and smiled a sweet fake smile "The lost daughter returns. How good of you to join us, _Jane_. We were just starting to worry that you wouldn't show up."

Jane didn't acknowledge her words with her eyes or even with her body, only her mouth was moving when she threw back the "I'm not your daughter." That seemed to amuse the older woman and for a moment her cold laughter echoed back from the walls of the empty building, making it seem even hollower.

"Step away." Jane repeated calmly, the gun still pointed straight at her brother's chest who simply grinned at her but obviously had no intention to move.

Shepherd was still talking but she didn't hear her. Her attention was focused primarily on Roman who was in turn watching her with hawk eyes, waiting for her next move. He knew her, he knew her training and that made him think that he knew her next move. But he had known _Remi_ and could've guessed Remi's training. _Jane_ was a different matter altogether.

They had the same training and muscle memory but where Remi would never had thought about how her actions might affect the prisoner – that was all Jane thought about. And while Remi would have underestimated Kurt's abilities to fight for himself if given the opportunity – Jane was counting on it.

Her right hand that was holding up the gun was as steady as it had always been, none of the weakness remaining in her body – she was in fighting mode and her body knew the drill even if that was the only thing she truly knew. She knew how to survive battles and she knew how to fight her brother.

While everyone's eyes were focused on the gun, her left hand had been resting on the knife in her pocket all the time, making sure it was where she had put it and that she could pull it out as soon as she needed it.

Which was _now_.

From her still stance Jane suddenly got moving. With accurate aim she dropped the gun on the floor, throwing it away from herself so Kurt would be able to reach it. In the same moment she pulled her knife from her pocket and turned on the spot, charging towards Shepherd.

* * *

Kurt had been frozen in place as soon as he had heard Jane's voice – it sounded cold, distanced. He couldn't believe the woman who was standing in front of him, threatening her _family_ to rescue him, looking as much as the badass woman he had fallen in love with so long ago with no hint of the pain he had seen in her eyes just hours ago.

He watched the exchange, keeping his eyes trained on Jane while simultaneously looking for a way out of their current situation. He came up blank. Roman who had his back turned to him, would still be that much faster once he turned around because he still couldn't put pressure on his left ankle, condemning him to fight from the ground.

When he grabbed the weapon Jane had thrown his way, he had the knife in his hand already ready, to charge at Roman, who seemed dumbfounded for just a moment but it gave him, Kurt, the time he needed to throw his upper body as far as he could, sinking the knife into the other man's left calf.

Roman cried out in pain, whirling around and threw one of his knives in Kurt's direction which missed his head by a few inches. But he had woken the beast and the scarred man charged forward and started swinging at him with raw strength. It was the only thing Kurt could do to dodge the blows but he was cornered, the wooden board he had been chained to, behind him and Roman in front of him.

Kicking out with his left leg he tried to bring him off balance but it was of no use, he didn't seem to notice the blows Kurt got in on him, his mind was too focused on the fight for feelings like pain to get through to his brain.

Grabbing Kurt by his shirt, he pulled him up and pressed him against the board. Again and again he threw the FBI agent against it, until Kurt's head was already lolling to one side, his eyes barely focusing on his attacker.

He had dropped his weapons when he had been pulled up and with a scream he tried to shove at Roman's chest, who didn't move an inch, standing above him as solid as a rock.

Suddenly Jane's voice was in his ear when Roman thrusted him into the wooden panel once more and he could hear the first cracks in the material.

"His left defense is weaker!"

And just like that the attacks seemed to come at him even more ferociously and Kurt realized that Jane had been right. Roman had never been good at defending himself, he was a much better attacker and right now the fury about his sister betraying him got him blinded enough to lower his defenses even more.

Kurt awaited the next punch and when the fist was almost half way to his face, he ducked away from his grip, falling to the floor once more, gritting his teeth at the impact.

He got what he had wanted – Roman's fist hit the board and the wood splintered, leaving his fist bleeding but again, Roman didn't seem to notice. While the other man had still been beating in on the inanimate object, Kurt had managed to crawl over to where he had dropped his gun and grabbed it, pointing it at Roman.

He was breathing heavily, the pain had spread all over his body, but his arm was steady and his gaze was icy when he locked eyes with his assailant who seemed to snap out of the fury he had been for the first time.

When Roman took a step towards him, ignoring the gun, his face morphed into a horrifying grin, his teeth red with the blood from the wounds Kurt had managed to inflict on him. "You're still weak" he said calmly and Kurt couldn't get out a reply before he had stepped onto his broken right ankle and the blinding pain that followed, made him drop the gun.

* * *

Shepherd had expected her to run towards Roman and Kurt and so when Jane had turned towards her instead, she had caught her off guard for just a second. It was that second that gave Jane the upper hand and gave her the chance to shove the other woman off balance and away from the table before she had time to grab a weapon.

That didn't stop her from returning the hits, though. Jane had always known that Shepherd was fierce and she had expected nothing less than what she got from her adoptive mother.

Each strike she threw was measured with a hit that was just as precise.

Jane used her only advantage – the moment of surprise and her knife – and pushed Shepherd in the chest, making her stumble backwards but it didn't take her long to find her balance again and when she did she veered to the right, making Jane's next kick land in thin air which made her stumble as well.

From the right side Shepherd came onto her now, averting the next hit that was aimed at her face and held on to Jane's arm, using it to throw the younger woman against the concrete wall, hitting her head in the process. She was about to twist her arm even more when Jane clenched her fingers to a fist, grabbing her shirt and hauled her against the wall next to her, while she managed to push away from it herself.

Jane made her next move while Shepherd was still wavering, seeking support on the wall she was resting on, and threw three good aimed punches at her face and left side. The other woman screamed out in pain and anger, trying to push Jane away from her and to deflect the blows that just kept on coming.

Shepherd was strong and she had trained and raised _Remi_ so she knew her abilities but _Jane_ wasn't only fighting for herself – she was fighting for Kurt and every punch she made, she did to keep him safe. It was one of the things Shepherd had never understood – _love_.

She had never loved in the way that Jane had, had never given up everything so this one person that she valued more than her own life, could be happy and safe. She knew nothing of sacrifices like that and she would never understand fully what lengths Jane would go to for Kurt.

That was her weakness.

She couldn't fathom anyone putting someone else before their own wellbeing. Someone as self-centered as Shepherd, would cover themselves when she saw that the other person was just as strong but not Jane.

Remi had always been wild and Jane didn't miss that wildness.

Remi had always been protective of the once she loved and Jane would fight until her last breath as well.

But Remi had never seen the kind of destruction Jane had and that made Jane even more determined and it gave her the upper hand. It gave her the strength to overpower her adoptive mother, holding the knife to her throat.

Jane's heart was still racing from the fight but she held the blade steady as she had the gun earlier, turning her prisoner so they could both face Roman who had Kurt at gunpoint.

The look in her brother's eyes made her shake her hand just a little bit and she could hear Shepherd whelp in pain as she pressed the cold metal a little too tightly to her skin, but she didn't care. She couldn't help but stare straight ahead to where Kurt was being pressed to the floor, her brother holding him down with his knee on his ribs and the gun to his head.

This right there was the most frightened she had ever been in her life.

She hadn't been this scared when she had come out of the bag, all alone with no memories or knowledge about who she was.

She hadn't even been this scared when Kurt had been shot before because those shooters had never been _Roman_.

Roman never missed a shot, just like she didn't. Unlike her, though, he couldn't control his actions when he was angry. It had always been his biggest weakness Remi had tried to help him with and it was one of the things that Shepherd had used to make him such an adequate killer, he had no remorse for the people in his custody.

"Surrender!"

Jane didn't know how she brought out the word with such clarity but she did, her own voice sounding strange to her ears.

"You won't get out of here a free man" she continued, tightening the grip around her hostage, hoping to conceal the fear that was taking over her mind "Surrender and you will get out of her alive."

Instead of an answer Roman simply glared at her, pressing the gun more firmly against Kurt's temple, who was barely moving anymore. She just hoped he was still breathing.

"Roman-" she tried to start again but his icy stare made her stop.

"You have no right to address me" he called out coldly, his figure unmoving – thankfully the finger on the trigger as well.

Jane shook her head "I'm your sister."

"No!" The scream echoed from the walls and was still audible when he had already continued speaking "You're not my sister."

"I am. As much as you hate me right now, but you and me, Roman" she gave back hoarsely "We're blood."

She knew it was true. They were blood and they used to be the same but somewhere along the lines they had grown further apart and had ended up on different sides of the table, fighting against each other. Jane kept fighting back the tears when she heard Roman's next words. They reached her through some sort of veil, and she felt the impact of the bullet before she could grasp their meaning.

 _"_ _Then bleed."_

He was staring at her while the words were still ringing in her ears until finally they had died down. That was when the pain set in and her eyes jumped to her right side, where the blood was already wetting the black shirt she was wearing.

The first tear rolled down her cheek then, when she felt her knees buckle under her weight and she lost all hope when Roman wouldn't move away from Kurt, who was staring at her wide-eyed – as scared as she was herself.

She was fine with dying, she decided. She didn't _want_ to die, not like she had wanted to last week or the week before when she had been so close to it – but she was okay with it as long as she could take one of the most awful people on this world with her.

With her last strength Jane slit Shepherd's throat and released both the other woman from her grip and the knife that fell to the ground with an ear- shattering noise that seemed to come from a different world. As Jane dropped down to her knees, her hands finding her wound and coming up covered in red, she could only hear noises around her.

Every sound seemed so intense right then when she closed her eyes and the sounds were all she got to tell her what was going on. Something was happening but she didn't have the strength to open her eyes – what was the point anyway? Hadn't she fought enough? Hadn't she given enough? Kurt would have to understand…

 _Kurt._

Jane managed to tear open her eyes and just like that she could see his face. She smiled, reaching out her hand to touch his cheek. Why did he look so worried? She tried turning her head to find the source of his unease but she didn't have control over her muscles anymore.

 _Blood._

The hand that was running over his stubble was bloody. And It was her hand. She dropped it instantly, not noticing how it dropped to the floor. She tried to smile at him one more time but this time her view of him was clouded by the tears that kept streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, choking and coughing, "I'm so sorry" her voice grew fainter and she felt her strength leave her but there was one last thing she had to tell him.

"I love you."

Then her world went black. Her body was floating towards something, it felt like a soft stream that was carrying her to a better place and she welcomed it. She was so tired.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** This is going to be the last chapter of this story - might add a Oneshot later but this is it for now, my first finished multi-chapter Blindspot fanfiction. Thank you all for going on this journey with me, it was a blast :)

I'm gonna go back to writing One-Shots for now, whenever I have the time which will be significantly less starting this week. Probably some angst because we had a lecture in medical psychology yesterday about PTSD and literally all I could think about was how we saw all/many of those signs in either Reade or Jane and those actors are such a godsend and I'm so excited for this show to finally start again!

Rant finished for now. Thank you for staying with me, thank you for all your favorites and follows and comments. Enjoy this. x

* * *

This first thing Jane noticed when she came back to it, was the music in the background. She let her eyes stay closed and listened to it like she had so many times before. Was she dead? No, how would a dead person hear a song they never heard before? Also, now that she focused on it, she felt the throbbing pain in her body.

So she wasn't dead.

She held on to that information while she tried to find the origin of the pain. Her side hurt the most but her head felt like it was about to explode as well and then there were a few bruises on her left shoulder but that seemed to be about it.

The song was sad, she realized when she was done checking on herself. But first she tried to focus on her surroundings. She doubted Shepherd would've let the music running before she killed her –

 _Shepherd._

Like a cold fist the thought of the woman gripped at her heart when she remembered – remembered slicing the other women's throat when she was defenseless in her arms, remembered the warm blood that had covered her hands as well and the blade she had dropped to the floor. She was a coldblooded murderer. She had killed the woman who had raised her.

Jane felt her breathing wanting to pick up but instead of letting herself hyperventilate, she held her breath and counted to ten.

One, two, three, _concentrate_ , four, five, six, _she was a terrorist_ , seven, eight, _you did it to save Kurt_ , nine, te-

Just like that she lost the battle against herself and felt her head grow lighter with every fast breath she took until she suddenly felt a hand squeeze hers, whispering something that she couldn't understand. Her mind was trained on the image of Kurt at gunpoint – Roman holding the gun, about to kill him.

He couldn't have.. _Breathe_ … Kurt's voice was in her head but he wasn't in the room with her, she could feel it.

Where was she?!

With what felt like superhuman strength Jane managed to tear her eyes open for the first time and in reflex she raised her hands to cover her eyes from the blinding light. Only her right hand did as she commanded, though, and she felt the IV line follow it. Quickly she let the hand drop again, careful of the IV stand this time while eyeing it suspiciously.

That was when she felt her left hand being squeezed lightly again and her eyes followed the touch, landing on the slender hand of Tasha Zapata. Somehow that made her feel worse. When her eyes met the Latina's she saw that she had been crying and all of the sudden the lump in her throat started growing again.

Why was Tasha at her bedside? Of course she knew that the woman was a friend and cared about her, at least that was what she had been telling her, but whenever she had woken up in a hospital or in the emergency room in the FBI, it had always been Kurt next to her, holding her hand, worrying about her. He had _always_ been there.

As had Patterson… where was the blonde woman? Was she off, staying with Weller in his room in the hospital or… Jane gulped, fear returning to her full force.

"Kurt?" she managed to get out, her voice sounding and feeling like sandpaper, burning in her dry throat. Determined she extracted her hand from Tasha's grip, grabbing the needle in the crook of her arm and was about to pull it out when Tasha's hands covered hers again and she saw the other woman shake her head.

Defeated Jane gave up, tears rising to her eyes "Please" she whispered "Not-"

"He's fine." Finally her friend released her with those two words, grabbing her hand tightly again and pressing it to her cheek now. "He's fine. It's okay."

Jane felt her friend's shoulders shake, her hand lay helplessly in Tasha's grip who didn't seem to consider letting go anytime soon. She was confused. If Kurt was fine… why was Tasha crying. What.. Did something else happen to him? She couldn't bear it – the uncertainty, the worry, the wondering.

Pulling at her hand to get Tasha's attention she tried to get more words out "Where is he? I need to see him. I- Please." Her own tears returned but Tasha shook her head again.

"He's fine, I promise. He's at the office, taking Roman into custody but he'll be back as soon as he can. It's okay."

She closed her eyes, breathing out some of the worry she had held in and for a moment they grew silent again, Tasha still crying quietly – trying to get her act together – and Jane laying there with closed eyes, letting the music sink in. It was still the same sad song she had heard when she had woken up and somehow she had the feeling that the refrain that just started again, made Tasha shake even harder.

 _Who cares if one more light goes out?  
In a sky of a million stars,  
It flickers, flickers  
Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
If a moment is all we are,  
Or quicker, quicker  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well I do_

"You know" Jane was so taken aback when Tasha addressed her again after the song had ended and an equally sad song started, that she needed a moment to coordinate her eyes so they would open up to meet the Latina's gaze expectantly.

"We care about you" she was just saying when Jane managed to focus on her words again "We care – _I_ care about you and it would destroy me if…" she broke off and leaned closer to Jane's bed, her hand still firmly between her own "Your life is worth something and by getting yourself into these… situations… You risk all that. And you think it doesn't matter."

Jane stared at her, not knowing what to say or what to do.

"But it does" Tasha finally said, stroking the tattooed hand gently "You don't have to be this one-woman-army, running into every fight on her own. You have us."

Jane cleared her throat, her eyes growing wet again "I know but it was Kurt-"

"I know, I know" Tasha said, wiping her eyes one-handed, trying to regain some composure "You only wanted to keep him safe and I get it, I do. But we could've helped you. As it was we barely got there in time and –" she shuddered "We just saw you laying on the ground unmoving and Kurt hovering over you, yelling your name and we thought – We thought you were gone. There was _so much_ blood."

"I'm sorry" Jane whispered, returning the grip on her hand as forcefully as she could "I didn't want that. I- I'm not even sure what happened..?"

"Well" Tasha coughed slightly "Thanks to your message we had the address and we were sure that if Kurt was in danger you would've gone there early, especially when you never asked for back-up, so Patterson summoned Reade and me to the office in the middle of the night, showing us where the location was in satellite images – which of course hadn't been updated in a while" she trailed of and took the break to get some tissues from the box on Jane's nightstand.

"We didn't know what to expect so we had to wait until we had a SWAT team on stand-by that could go in if something went wrong" the Latina explained "For some reason Nas was at the NYO as well when we got there and she seemed pissed when she realized what we were doing" Tasha smiled slightly "I don't know what got her panties in a twist but she seemed to be mad at the whole world."

Jane nodded and stated, matter of factly, "I sent her the wrong address." At Tasha's incredulous gaze she explained "The president told me to come to him or Nas if… when Sandstorm made contact. I shouldn't tell you or Director Hirst or anyone in the FBI, just them." Her face had gone blank, remembering the conversation and Nas' cold attitude, but when she looked up at her friend again, there was the old fire in her eyes "But this was Kurt. And I don't trust them."

After that Tasha shot her a long look. The longer it went on the more uncomfortable Jane felt under the scrutinizing gaze but she didn't look away. She knew Tasha was making her mind up about something and she didn't want to disturb her, so she simply met her eyes and hoped for the best.

Out of everyone on the team she was the one person that Jane didn't always know where she stood with her. Sure, Tasha was family, but she was also incredibly fierce in protecting the people she loved and Jane was and always had been, since she first met them, some sort of danger to her idyllic world. Not on purpose, no, but it still didn't go unnoticed.

Even when she didn't blame her after the Sandstorm attack, Tasha had been cautious, especially about her, Jane's, interactions with Kurt because as much as she liked to pretend – Kurt and Reade were her extended family, brothers not by blood but by everything else. Jane respected that. She knew that she wasn't the best company for him, she wasn't whole enough herself to complete him but for some reason he hadn't let her let go and she wanted to make that worth something.

"You trust us." It wasn't a question or an exclamation. It was simply a calmly stated fact, still Jane nodded.

"And you love Kurt." Again, a statement, and Jane nodded.

"You've told him on the voice note you left when you… left." Jane's eyes widened. "He let us listen to it, in hope we would find something he missed."

"Have you ever told him to his face?"

When she thought she was dying. Did that count? Jane simply returned the gaze, unblinking, not sure how to act.

"I think you're good for him."

"What?" Jane practically choked "No- I- I'm-"

"Yes" Tasha agreed "I know. But he needs you and you need him, right?" without waiting for a reply she continued "I want you to know that I trust you, too. I trust you with my life – with all of our lives, but I'm not sure you'll do the right thing by him. He needs you to do the right thing, okay?"

"I don't know what that is" Jane whispered, extracting her hand from Tasha's hold and clenching it to a fist, pulling it to her chest.

Her friend smiled sadly "Yes, you do. And if you can't do it, or don't want to do it for whatever reason – "

"I want to."

"Good. He would never tell you but he needs you to say those words more than you know."

Jane nodded, unclenching her fist and using the hand to wipe away her tears "You're a good friend."

Tasha's face was pulled into a grimace as she tried not to cry but she shook her head "I've been an asshole to you, I've made everything worse" a tiny sob escaped "And I can't believe you forgave me for that but… I'm so happy you did." She leaned forward, resting her head gently on Jane's leg, careful not to hurt her with the weight of it and closed her eyes as more and more tears began to roll down her cheeks. And here she had thought that she had already cried all of them…

Carefully Jane extender her left hand and threaded it to Tasha's soft dark hair, trying to soothe the woman she still couldn't believe was her friend. There was still music playing in the background and it was so sad, that she felt the tears return to her own eyes as well.

They stayed like that, unmoving, crying until Patterson burst into the room and brought the sun in with her – as she always did.

"Guys!" she exclaimed, before she stopped dead in her tracks upon seeing Jane's tear stained face "Are you okay?"

As if she had just been caught, Tasha raised her head, trying to wipe away the tears and act as if nothing had happened, shooting her friend a smile who simply raised an eyebrow at her.

"Don't you try that on me, Natasha Zapata, I know you too well for you to hide from me" she scowled at them "You didn't fight, did you?" When both women shook their heads she sighed in exasperation "It's the music! I didn't give you Jane's player so you could play the saddest songs on earth" she scolded the Latina and moved to said player to change the song.

"Sorry" Tasha replied contritely "I just didn't feel like putting on the latest David Guetta hit when she still hadn't woken up after losing tons of blood."

Glancing down on the playlist that had been playing, Patterson shot her a sympathetic look "Still, it's not that hard to play _something_ happier than One More Light."

Clicking around on the player she managed to decide on a song with a happier tune and, pleased with herself, she put it back on the table and joined Jane on the other side of her bed – efficiently avoiding the IV stand.

"And now come and hug me" she said with a bright smile – the tears brimming at her eyes as well but barely visible "We've survived, we caught the bad guys and we're together. That calls for a group hug and love."

Patterson took a seat on her bed, reaching over to Jane – careful of her injuries – and motioned for Tasha to come join the hug, who did so after a heartbeat, standing up from the chair and sitting down on Jane's left side, moving her right arm between Jane's neck and the pillow and using her left one to pull the blonde woman closer.

Jane almost laughed at their ridiculous position but she realized soon that laughing hurt so she was content with staying quiet, enjoying the closeness of her friends and the song in the background she remembered listening to just last week.

It was an Arabic song, a female singer supported by a children's choir, about the wonders girls brought to her world, about the sweetness and prodigies. It was such a sweet song that it almost made her cry again – out of happiness because it was true, the girls, women, who were currently crushing her with love were one of the best things that had ever happened to her.

* * *

When Kurt and Reade came in half an hour later, the girls were still cuddled together, even if in a slightly less awkward position and had almost fallen asleep, startling when they heard movement.

"Relax" Reade said when all three ladies glared at them in shock "It's just us. They released us from the office." He took a step forward while Patterson and Tasha scrambled from the bed, sitting down in the chair and on the windowsill again. It was Reade who addressed Jane first while Kurt stood a little further away, watching her intently.

"How are you feeling?"

She smiled slightly "I'm fine, in a little bit pain but nothing I can't handle. Did you bring Roman in?"

Reade threw Kurt a questioning look before he replied "Yeah, he's being interrogated by Nas right now."

Jane nodded and wanted to ask something else but it seemed as if the topic was over for now and the team jumped into an easy going talk for a while. It was especially Reade, Tasha and Patterson talking, joking around and lifting the mood while Jane leaned back into her pillow, feeling tired after crying so much. Meanwhile Kurt moved closer to her the longer the conversation went on until he was standing next to her bed, holding her hand, gently brushing his finger over her soft skin.

The motion was so soothing that Jane almost fell asleep but she fought to keep her eyes open, to meet his gaze that seemed so vulnerably open just then. Both of them were lost in their wordless communication that it took them a while until they realized their friends had stopped talking and had gotten up.

Tasha stepped forward, squeezing Jane's left hand as she had earlier "We're going to leave you two to it. I'll be back tomorrow unless you can already go home."

"And then we'll welcome you home with a home-cooked meal and self-made cookies and a hot chocolate" Patterson interfered, giving her a half hug "Get well soon."

Reade joined the two women and in less than a minute the room was quiet again, neither Jane nor Kurt saying anything.

Jane's thought were whirling around in her head. She still missed part of what had happened and she didn't like it… she hated to not being able to remember something she did… but Kurt didn't look like he wanted to break out of the silence any time soon.

Carefully she turned her hand, getting his attention when she let her fingertips touch his before threading her fingers through his. Slowly she raised their entwined hands up to her lips and pressed a kiss to the back of his hand.

"What happened?" she wanted to know quietly, lowering their hands and resting them on the bed again.

For another minute he wouldn't talk and wouldn't even look at her but when he opened his mouth, his gaze met hers again "You saved my life" he whispered hoarsely "Again."

"That's what we do" she replied gently "But what happened with Roman? I only remember him having you at gunpoint and then he shot me… how did you manage to overpower him?"

He stared at her intently "He was beside himself" he answered thoughtfully "I think it was seeing the two people whose orders he followed his whole life that left him with a power vacuum, and he just stood there and stared at-" he broke off and used his free hand to cover hers from the other side, effectively holding her hand between his, taking reassurance from her warm body before he could continue.

"He was staring at you and Shepherd lying on the ground, bleeding, and I think he didn't know what to do with no one there to tell him, so I managed to grab the weapon from his hand again and hit him with the grip until he fell to the floor" Kurt swallowed hard "I didn't care, I don't even know how I did it anymore. All I could see was that you were lying there in your own blood and-" Again he trailed off.

"I was so scared."

"I'm sorry" Jane whispered but he shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. You're safe. You're alive."

Leaning forward Jane used her free hand to scoot over to the other side of the bed, making room next to her. She looked up expectantly, patting the sheet where she wanted him to sit and she could see in his eyes that he thought about declining – she could already hear his arguments about needing rest and hurting her – but when she met her gaze he simply nodded and carefully sat down next to her, winding an arm around her slim form.

* * *

Finally he could feel the warmth of her body warm his up as well.

Kurt pulled her as close to him as he dared, enjoying every second of the touch that proved to him over and over again that she was indeed with him – alive and breathing. When her head dropped to his chest he buried his face in her hair, breathing in the scent that – despite of the dust and blood – was his Jane.

It was the smell he would know anywhere and he would always come back to it because this was his home. She was his home and when he had seen her lying on the ground in that fabric hall he had felt homeless for the first time since he had known her. He had felt so lost and devastated and he couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it.

He hadn't believed for one second that his life could go on without her and that had given him enough strength to overpower Roman and crawl to her side, screaming her name, putting everything he had into the pressure he put on her wound, silently forbidding her to die on him.

She hadn't.

But he was sure that she had believed herself to be a lost cause when she had said those last words to him. The words that hadn't left his mind ever since.

Tightening his grip around her once more he asked the question he had wanted to ask for so long but had never dared to.

"You love me?"

Just like that he felt her tense in his arms and lean away from him. He wanted to scream at her to not leave him again, wanted to take the words back because he didn't need to hear them if that meant she would turn away from him because he needed her presence in his life more than he needed her to say that she loved him back.

He avoided her gaze, tried looking over her shoulder and out of the window because suddenly he was so scared again, but she was having none of it. When he didn't want to meet her gaze he felt her retrieve her hand from his and scoot even further away – as far away as possible on such a small bed anyway.

He felt more than saw her take his face into both of her hands, forcing him to look at her and when he finally did, he wasn't sure how to read her expression. There was the hint of a smile but there was sadness as well and there was – _love_.

"I do" she whispered and suddenly his world imploded and he felt the hot tears on his cheek while he stared at her in disbelieve.

"Say it" he begged with a sob, not sure if she would comply. She did.

"I love you."

Kurt closed his eyes, holding onto her arms for dear life while he tried to take one shaky breath after the other. He felt her arms wiggle in his hold and when he opened his eyes again, he was too disoriented to see her face coming closer to his and when he moved it was too fast, too late and their heads collided.

"Oh God" she stared at him, her eyes wide "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't-"

"Don't… apologize" he gave back gently, taking her face into his hands as softly as he could, feeling her hands drop from his cheeks to hold onto his arms for dear life. Ever so slowly he closed the distance between their faces until they were so close he could feel her uneven breathing on his lips.

She was still staring at him and he returned the gaze questioningly, asking for permission, not wanting to move faster than she felt comfortable with but when she did close her eyes with a tiny nod – he would've missed it hadn't he been this close – he closed his eyes as well and, closing the remaining distance, pressed his lips to hers softly.

It wasn't a very passionate kiss. It was sweet and tasted salty because both of them had tears running down their cheeks.

In the kiss he could taste all the pain they had been through in their lives and in their relationship but he could also feel her love for him when it was her tongue asking for permission to enter his mouth which he gladly granted. It was Jane who deepened the kiss, who pulled him closer to her and wrapped her arms around his neck as if she didn't want any more space between them than absolutely necessary.

He let her take the lead as he had always done because he knew how broken she was and how strong that made her and he wouldn't want to change that for the world.

Pulling back, still not believing what was happening he kept her face cupped in his hands, waiting until she had opened her eyes to look at him again.

"I love you" he whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead like he had done so many times before, letting himself voice his biggest fear "Don't leave me."

"Kurt" he heard her whisper, felt the air moving because of their proximity, and when he looked down at her he saw how torn apart she was and he shook his head.

"None of that, please" he said with more certainty than he felt "Stay with me. Come home with me… Be whatever you want to be… But be with me. I know you love me. Don't overthink it until it's something bad. You know what you want."

"I do" she nodded in agreement "I'm coming home with you" and then she smiled, one of the smiles he hadn't seen in an eternity, a smile that was filled with more happiness than dread for once and he knew what she wanted to say before she did it and he was already nodding when she hadn't even finished her sentence.

"I love you. And it's because I love you that I want to try to give you everything you deserve, that you've given me." She drew in a shaky breath "I'm yours… if you'd have me…?"

 _Fin_


End file.
